And How to Stop Obsessing About It
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.
Have you even wondered why “he” chose “her”?
This wondering may show up in two scenarios:
(a) you wonder why that man (guy you know, celebrity, athlete) chose the woman he’s with; or,
(b) you wonder why the man you wanted (or were with) chose someone else.
Let’s focus on Scenario B today: “your” guy chose her instead of you.
I was dating someone once, and right after we broke up, he started seeing someone who had a less-than-sterling reputation.
To the outsider, it’s clear that his interesting choice had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own character.
But when you’re inside the scenario, it’s normal to wonder if there’s something wrong with you.
I think there are two issues here:
They may be correlated, but not causal. That’s fancy scientific jargon for, “they might both be happening, but one doesn’t necessarily cause the other.”
Another scenario is when a man leaves and doesn’t find another woman - he would rather be alone than be with you. I’m not sure that’s any easier to navigate.
It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others. While it’s not always healthy behavior, it’s what we do.
As far back as Cain and Abel, people have been comparing themselves to each other and being upset at the results.
It would be nice to not compare yourself to others, but you’re most likely going to, so let’s look at how to get yourself out of this comparison with your self-esteem and healthy perspective intact.
Even if you’ve never rejected a man, you’ve rejected people as friends, clients, or even associates.
That club you didn’t want to join? That clique you didn’t want to be part of? That job you left? That frenemy you unfriended (and blocked) on Facebook? Okay - maybe that last one - it WAS because of her.
But the other ones? You just didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t a good fit for you. It didn’t feel good. You wanted to move on. Hopefully, they let you.
When you will not accept and respect someone’s decision to leave, you don’t love him - you want to control him. Accept and respect doesn’t mean like and agree with.
But it does mean you give him the respect of letting him go. Can you imagine if you gave notice and left your job and your old employer kept showing up at your new job demanding to know why you like working here instead of with us? You’d call security and get a restraining order.
I broke up with a guy once who would not stop bothering me. He called - he even came to my house. He called my father, who lives in another state, hoping Dad would “talk some sense into me.”
This did not make me want him back. This did not make me feel loved. I felt disrespected, controlled, and it reinforced my decision to break up with him.
We just like what we like and we want who we want. I’ve dated plenty of guys who “looked good on paper.” Meaning, I should have been in love with him - decent-looking, good job, nice personality. But there was no chemistry for me.
Maybe I stayed in it because he was nice and I wanted to feel something. I hung on, hoping my feelings would kick in, because he’s so good on paper.
But, when it’s not there, it’s not there. You don’t want to be a consolation prize that he’s keeping around because you’re better than nothing.
What if he told you he likes her better because she’s prettier? Thinner? The sex is better? Would that help? Most of the time, we think we want to know why so that we will understand and that will help us feel better.
The truth is, we want to know why so we can argue with him and prove he is wrong. In our mind, he will see the error of his ways and will come running back to us based on our logical and witty arguments in our own favor.
This is when you have to muster up all of your strength and focus on moving on. When your brain starts on the “why did he choose her” hamster wheel, you have to answer, “because that’s what he wants.”
Then add: “And I want a man who will choose ME.”
When you get to this point, you are on your way to what I call the One-Derful Life: you are happy and peaceful in your singleness - not because of it - but during it.
Before I forget - if you need some help getting over a broken heart, check out my ABC's of healing. You'll be on your way to a One-Derful Life!
Question: What do you do to stop comparing yourself to her?
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