How to Save Yourself From the Terror of Singleness
by Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.
Is there someone for everyone?
One of the popular sayings we hear as singles is, “There’s someone for everyone.”
Another favorite: “Every pot has a lid.”
If you’re in the Christian community, people will quote Psalm 37:4: “If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.”
We wander through our singleness, wanting a relationship, always waiting for that one person who will “complete” us. Thanks, Jerry Maguire.
What if there ISN’T someone for everyone? What if your pot doesn’t have a lid?
What if God never gives you the desires of your heart?
One of my girlfriends always wanted to be a wife and a mother. She is a dutiful daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend. She nursed her father through his cancer, and has taken care of her mother in the years since his death. She is a wonderful “mom” to her fur-baby (a dog), and she teaches the 4-year old Sunday School class at her church. Today I held her hand while she cried because she has entered menopause (she’s 54). She keeps saying, “It’s fine,” but it’s not fine. She’s grieving the loss of the dream most women have: being a mother.
Relationship coaches and dating “experts” will tell you your soulmate is out there. If you want a relationship, it will happen.
I call, “bull-puckey.”
This line of thinking is especially hurtful if you’re a Christian. If you haven't been given the desires of your heart, you must not be delighting yourself in the Lord.
Read: it’s your fault you’re single.
And, God is disappointed in you because you’re not doing right by Him.
This belief that there’s “someone out there” for you is dangerous, because you live in anticipation of a future event that you cannot control and that may never happen. This puts you in a perpetual state of looking, then disappointment when you don’t find.
Which doesn’t mean you WON’T find somebody, but you may be more likely to find the WRONG somebody and settle for him.
Wow - what now?
I spent a few years (few = 20) in the belief that I would never be happy single. I just resigned myself to a life of sadness.
Ladies, that is no fun.
But I got clear that I wanted to be happy no matter what was happening (or not happening) in my life.
This is what I call the One-Derful Life: being truly happy and peaceful even though I want a relationship, and even though I don't have one.
So I got busy figuring out what a life that I loved would look like without the marriage and family I’d always dreamed of.
PS - I’m WAY over 40, and it still hasn’t happened for me. I’m living proof that you may not get the desires of your heart, but you can be truly happy anyway.
You don’t have to be good at it. Just take one day and pretend you are never going to meet Mr. Right because he doesn’t exist. You may feel sad, hopeless, and scared.
I was having coffee with a girlfriend, saying, “I just want to be okay if I’m single forever.” Her response: You’ve always been single, and you are okay. I didn’t feel okay because I felt sad, but I realized I was okay.
They may be different. If you want to be happy and peaceful, you have to be that no matter what.
My married girlfriends told me, you won’t find a man until you’re happy being alone. But I wasn’t happy being alone because I wanted a relationship.
That’s called a tangled hierarchy: like the high school student who goes out looking for his first job. Nobody will hire him without experience, but he can’t get experience because nobody will hire him.
If your happiness depends on a relationship, your very unhappiness will actually repel the thing you want.
If you were given the choice: you can have a relationship, but you won’t be happy, or you can be happy and single, which do you choose?
Before I forget - if you need some help getting over a broken heart, check out my ABC's of healing. You'll be on your way to a One-Derful Life!
Question: Would you choose not happy with a relationship or happy and single?
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