Being Single Doesn't Lower Your Value

Why Your Worth Has Nothing to Do With Your Relationship Status

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

For years, I believed there was something wrong with me.

I wouldn't have said it exactly that way, but that's what I believed.

I've always wanted marriage and a family. Not because I felt pressured by society, and not because I grew up in a small Southern town where most people marry young. I wanted those things because I genuinely desired them for myself.

The problem was that they never happened.

The longer I remained single, the more I began to wonder if my singleness meant something about me.

Maybe I wasn't attractive enough.

Maybe I wasn't lovable enough.

Maybe I wasn't good enough.

And every year that passed seemed to reinforce the belief.

If there wasn't something wrong with me, why was I still single?

Today, I don't believe that anymore.

Today, I believe my worth has absolutely nothing to do with my marital status.

Getting to that place wasn't easy, but it changed my life.

The Question That Changed Everything

One of the most important questions I ever asked myself was this:

What if my singleness never changes?

For years, I refused to ask that question because I didn't like the answer.

I assumed that if I stayed single, I would simply be miserable forever.

And honestly, God will let you do that if you want to.

He gave us free will.

For a long time, I chose misery.

Eventually, I got tired of suffering.

I didn't even think happiness was possible.

I just wanted to be less miserable.

And that led me to a powerful realization:

My circumstances weren't creating all of my pain.

My thoughts were.

Thoughts Create Feelings

One of the most valuable concepts I've ever learned is this:

Thoughts create feelings.

Feelings drive behaviors.

Behaviors create results.

For years, my thought was:

"There must be something wrong with me because I'm still single."

That thought created feelings of inadequacy and discouragement.

Those feelings influenced my behavior.

And those behaviors reinforced the original belief.

What I eventually realized was that nobody else was telling me I was less valuable because I wasn't married.

My family wasn't saying it.

My friends weren't saying it.

The people who loved me weren't saying it.

I was saying it.

The belief that I was "less than" was coming from me.

And if I had created that belief, maybe I could create a different one.

The World's Formula

The world teaches us a formula that looks like this:

Have → Be → Do

If I have a husband...

Then I'll be enough...

Then I'll be able to confidently live my life.

Many of us spend years waiting for something external to finally make us feel complete.

The problem is that God's formula is completely different.

God's Formula

When I started studying Scripture differently, I noticed a pattern.

God's formula is:

Be → Do → Have

In Genesis 1, God tells Adam and Eve who they are before He tells them what to do.

Identity comes first.

Purpose comes second.

Results come third.

God doesn't say:

"Once you have enough, then you'll be enough."

He says:

"I created you. Now go do what I've called you to do."

That was a huge shift for me.

Instead of focusing on what I didn't have, I started asking:

Who has God created me to be?

What has He called me to do?

A Lesson From a Bible Study

One summer, I attended a women's Bible study at my church.

Almost every woman there was married.

Many had children and grandchildren.

As we went around introducing ourselves, I started to panic.

What was I supposed to say?

Everyone else seemed to have the life I wanted.

When it was my turn, I introduced myself and mentioned my career accomplishments.

Immediately, the woman next to me looked at me and said:

"Wow. I hate to go after Mary. I'm just a wife and a mom."

I was stunned.

Here I was feeling inadequate because I wasn't married.

Meanwhile, she was feeling inadequate because she wasn't a business professor.

We were both looking at the other person's life and assuming they had something better.

It was one of the most powerful reminders I've ever received that the grass always looks greener somewhere else.

God Doesn't Measure Your Worth by Your Circumstances

The third thing I had to learn was that God does not assign value the way humans do.

He doesn't value us based on our marital status.

He doesn't value us based on our career.

He doesn't value us based on our bank account.

He doesn't even value us based on our performance.

Isaiah 64:6 tells us that all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.

If our worth came from our accomplishments, none of us would have much hope.

Thankfully, our value comes from something far more secure.

It comes from being God's children.

The Gospel is not:

"Perform well enough and I'll love you."

The Gospel is:

"I already love you."

That's why Jesus came.

Not because we could earn God's approval.

Because we couldn't.

There Is More to Your Life Than Marriage

One of my mentors once told me:

"Single women can become very myopic."

In other words, we become so focused on marriage that we lose sight of everything else God is doing in our lives.

Marriage is wonderful.

I still want it.

But it is not the only way to have a meaningful life.

Jesus said:

"It is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit."

That fruit may not be biological children.

It may be mentoring younger women.

Serving your community.

Teaching.

Leading.

Encouraging.

Building something that blesses others.

God has countless ways for us to bear fruit.

A One-Derful Life

Part of living a One-Derful Life is learning to see yourself the way God sees you.

Not through the lens of your relationship status.

Not through the lens of your accomplishments.

Not through the lens of what you haven't received yet.

God's view of your value was settled long before you ever had a dating profile, a heartbreak, or a relationship status.

Your worth doesn't increase when someone chooses you.

And it doesn't decrease when they don't.

You are already loved.

Already valuable.

Already enough.

And once you truly believe that, singleness loses its power to define you.

If you're struggling with heartbreak and finding it difficult to feel whole again, check out my free training:

👉 ABC's of Healing
https://marydittman.mykajabi.com/abcsofhealing

Question: Have you ever felt like your relationship status determined your worth?