Thoughts From a Former Doormat

I thought I was being nice.  Accommodating. Flexible.

Turns out, I was being a doormat.

Most people wouldn’t think of me as a “doormat” type of girl.  I’m confident, I’m sassy, and I have informed opinions.

I also don’t want people to be mad at me, and therefore I tend to prioritize the happiness of others over my own.

This was totally in line with my Christian upbringing, which taught me that everybody else comes first.  A popular church saying when I was growing up was, “JOY stands for Jesus, Others, You.”  You come last.

Is that what God wants?  Does He want us to erase ourselves in the name of being “good”?

I don’t think so.  As Christian women, we are to put our relationship with the Lord first.  We are to follow His lead.  When you read about Jesus’ interactions with people, He gave out of His loving willingness to do so.  But we are also told that he often withdrew to “lonely places” to pray.  He did not change His plan based on other people’s desires.

Case in point: when Jesus’ friend Lazarus died, Jesus didn’t rush over to Mary and Martha’s house.  He lingered where He was.  When the sisters mentioned this to Him, He didn’t apologize or explain.  He simply responded with the truth (See John 11).

I thought that being a “good, Christian” woman meant letting others walk all over me.  And if you were raised like I was, nobody ever told you there was another way.

That is not what God is asking of us.  We are supposed to be bringing others into God’s Kingdom - and who wants to sign up to be a doormat?

In dating, I didn’t want to be perceived as “difficult” or “high maintenance,” lest a man not want to be bothered with my needs or desires. 

I was dating someone once who was an avid deer hunter.  It was deer season, and we had a dinner date scheduled for 6:30pm.  He texted that he needed to move it to 7 - he was going hunting.  Then, 7:30 - he was still in the deer stand.  Finally, at 8:30, he arrived to pick me up.

I like to eat dinner early.  I’ve never been a fan of 9pm dinners.

Did I say anything?  Nope.  I asked him if he had fun.

A couple of months later he broke things off because I wasn’t the woman he thought I was. I had disappeared.

This was confirmed by my friends, who told me that whenever a man was interested in me, it was because I was being my vivacious, intelligent self.  But once we started dating, I would turn into a “whatever YOU think, babe” vacuous, Stepford chick.  They could totally see why I got dumped - I was boring.

Truth be told, I should not have been in that relationship in the first place.  It wasn’t a relationship God had for me. But He still used it. I thank God that He doesn’t waste anything and even though I was outside of His will, He protected me and used it to teach me.

Wondering if you, too, may be a doormat? Here are some symptoms of doormat-ism:

• You dismiss or lie about what you think or feel
• You don’t speak up when something bothers you
• You don’t want anyone else to be upset, even if that means YOU will be upset
• You tolerate disrespectful behavior (like chronic lateness or being stood up)
• You allow yourself to be the brunt of the joke
• You don’t set boundaries because you’re afraid others will be mad
• You don’t understand why nobody else cares about your needs or feelings

That last one is a biggie. 

First of all, why would anyone else consider your needs and feelings when YOU don’t even consider your needs and feelings?  Furthermore, it’s YOUR job to consider your needs and feelings: not anyone else’s!

Jesus didn’t tell us to get someone else to take the plank out of our eye - He said WE need to do that!

Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches makes a compelling case as to why men prefer women who are NOT doormats. 

Ms. Argov uses the term “bitch” to describe that sassy, fun, self-confident women we all want to be.  As opposed to the “nice girl,” who is a doormat.

As women, we value collaboration and connection.  We think the best way to build community is to agree on everything.  But this is NOT how men operate!  They respect and admire a woman who stands up for herself.  This isn’t the same as being difficult and argumentative!

Men are very clear about what they will and will not do.  If a man doesn’t want to go to his best buddy’s birthday bash, he’ll say he’s not going. 

Women?  We’ll go because we’re afraid she’ll be mad if aren’t there, then we resent that we “had to go.”

When I started being honest and clear about what I want and don’t want, I found that men - men at work, men I date, men in my family - started treating me with more respect.  Why? They can trust me to be a straight shooter!

The opposite of “doormat” is not “bitch.”  I’d say the opposite of “doormat” is “confident.”  This is good because it’s the number one trait men report as being attractive in women. 

Here’s how I would handle the deer hunter today:

The first time he moved the date to 7pm, I would have said, “Let’s just reschedule.”  Then he could decide: keep the date with me at 6:30, or spend the evening with wildlife.  If he chose the wildlife, that’s fine: I probably won’t agree to a Saturday night date for awhile.  He gets moved to Sunday afternoon or Monday evening.  If he’d had tickets to an NFL game where the kickoff was at 6:30, I can guarantee he’d have been there on time!  Boyfriend needs more time for hunting? No problem - he’s got it.

If you want to transition from Doormat to Confident, start by asking the Lord what His priorities are for your life.  A good way to be sure you are hearing from Him and not your own thoughts: check what you hear against Scripture.  God never violates His own Word!

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