You Don’t Need to Settle!

No, The Universe Isn't Sending You Losers

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Just because a man shows up, it doesn’t mean he’s “supposed to” be in your life.

One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach.  I had tried to get a couple of different girlfriends to go with me, but none were available.  So, I went by myself.

During the second half of the game, one of my friends came over and asked if I was dating anyone.  When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.

Flash forward a couple of weeks, and I had a dinner date with the brother.  He was super-cute, had two kids, and seemed like a nice, stable guy.  We share the same faith, he’s funny, and in case I didn’t mention it: super-cute.  I really liked him.

I thought, wow - good thing I went to that basketball game alone. 

If I’d been with pals, my friend never would have approached me and set me up with his brother. 

What good fortune!  The Universe must have rewarded my patience and positivity.

We went out on a couple of dates, then things started to unravel.  He had spent time on our second date mourning the end of his relationship with his “model” ex-girlfriend (red flag), then started flaking out on dates.  Then I stopped hearing from him.

A few months later, my friend made a comment about how he was sorry it didn’t work out.  I told him I was too - I didn’t know what had happened, but I figured maybe he went back to the model. 

My friend just about hit the ceiling.  The brother had told him we mutually agreed we weren’t interested. 

And, the model - she was a stripper.  But none of that was really relevant, as the brother was now in rehab for prescription drug addiction.

So, no - this guy wasn’t a gift from the Universe.

I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason.”  I believe we can get something good out of any situation if we’re willing to work at it and change our perspective. 

But was there some cosmic agenda there?  I don’t believe so.

I’ve done that many times: believed that what showed up was what I was “supposed” to have. 

Maybe God was trying to show me not to be so hung up on what a man’s job was (or if he even had one). 

Maybe God wanted me to not be so picky - like, demanding a guy NOT live with his mother.

So I wasted a lot of years dating guys who didn’t meet my standard: gainfully employed in a career that would allow them to provide; kind and respectful; sharing my values and goals.

Reasons why settling will keep you single:

1. You’ll feel resentful.  I was dating a guy for a (short) while who had declared personal bankruptcy twice. 

His bad financial decisions and lack of resources were a problem for me, but my friends told me I was too focused on money - love was what mattered, and he loved me. 

(Looking back, I think he loved my bank account.)  I was having dinner with a girlfriend and she was telling me about her wealthy, successful boyfriend - they had been hanging out at his house by the pool, planning a trip to an exotic resort. 

I thought about my broke-ass guy, and felt embarrassed.  I hoped she wouldn’t ask me how things were going. 

When you’re settling for less, you’re going to resent him for not being what you want, and you’re going to resent yourself because you know you’re compromising your own standards.

2. You’ll play small.  Another time, I dated a nice guy who was, you guessed it - broke. 

He loved me and treated me well.  And while he hadn’t declared bankruptcy, his entry-level job and divorce left him strapped financially. 

One evening, I asked him if he wanted to join me at the symphony - he said he did.  Then I immediately started to worry about the $35 ticket price. 

For me, it was of no concern, but I knew his budget was super-tight.  Was I taking food out his son’s mouth?  Would my guy have to go without necessities in order to listen to the orchestra? 

I found myself not being honest about what I wanted to do and experience because I didn’t want to put him in a position of not being able to pay for things.

3. You won’t have what you need.  Just so you know it’s not all financial - one thing that is important to me is receiving compliments from the man I’m with. 

He doesn’t have to go overboard, but I do need to know he thinks I’m beautiful and desirable. 

But I’ve dated many men who don’t compliment me, and I have dismissed it with, “I shouldn’t be so needy,” or “He’s just not that expressive - I need to accept him as he is.” 

But compliments are important to me.  I would jump through hoops trying to inspire him to say something nice.

Things like resentment, worry, and lack ARE NOT the right state of mind for attracting a loving relationship!

Before I forget - if you need some help getting over a broken heart, check out my ABC's of healing.  You'll be on your way to a One-Derful Life!

More than anything, I want peace and happiness.  I have it now - not BECAUSE I'm single, but WHILE I'm single.  That's what I call the One-Derful Life.  It's about being authentic and truthful about what you want.

Question: Do you settle?  If so, how?