Be the director, not the starving artist!
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.
A popular technique used by PUA’s (pick up artists, if you’re not familiar with the term) is to “neg” women. This is where they give you a backhanded compliment (“You’re pretty, for a redhead.”) or they express “concerns” about dating you. (“I’ve heard you’re a Dragon Lady and I don’t want to get hurt.”)
These tactics are designed to get a woman to work hard to gain the guy’s approval or to show him she’s not what he’s accusing her of.
One guy told me he was concerned about us dating because I have a Master’s degree and he “mopped floors in college.” (By the way, like most college students, I worked a variety of low-paying, menial jobs, too!). This caused me to launch into sales mode to convince him we had a lot in common.
Another time, he said he didn’t know if I would want to hang out with him and his friends because I don’t drink. Again, this caused me to launch into how I have many friends who drink and it doesn’t keep me from socializing with them.
What I was missing was that he was prompting me to audition and sell him on how great I was.
My brother is a professional, working actor. He lives in Hollywood and has been working as an actor (successfully) for more than 20 years. He has an agent, a manager, a talent agency, and he DOESN’T have a “day job.”
He has told me that one of the worst things an actor can do in an audition is reek of fear and desperation. People pick up on that and it’s unattractive.
His best auditions started happening when he started going in with an attitude of, “Yes, I would like this job, but if I don’t get it, it’s no big deal.” That’s tough, because acting is how he supports his family! Still, it’s all in the mindset. It seems like the most important moment in the audition is getting your mind right before you walk in the room.
It’s the same with dating.
In our current demographic in the United States, there are way more single, professional men over 40 than there are single, professional women. This means many more women are “competing” for the same high-value guys. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of a desperate, starving actor who NEEDS this job!
But, men pick up on that. They may not be able to verbalize what they’re picking up on, but they will not respect you and you will seem to be insecure. Men love confidence and consistently report it to be one of the top traits of a “sexy” woman.
Here’s what I should have said to those negs:
Maybe we’re too different because you have a Master’s degree and I mopped floors: I’m sorry you feel that way. It sounds like you don’t think we’re a good fit - I respect your concerns. Perhaps we should part ways. Gotta run - I need to finish mopping my kitchen floor.
I’m not sure we’re a good match because you won’t want to hang out with my friends because you don’t drink: You can see that’s not true because I spend time with you and YOU drink, but it sounds like you’re not comfortable with the fact that I don’t drink. I respect that, and perhaps it’s better if we don’t see each other again.
Drastic? Perhaps. But it’s better than auditioning, trying to get a man to see how great you are.
He should be showing you how great HE is and hoping YOU pick HIM!
In order to have confidence, you have to be over your last heartbreak. The next step is to become peaceful - this is what my brother keyed into with respect to acting auditions.
That’s what a One-Derful Life is all about - being happy and peaceful WHILE you’re single!
Question: Have you ever auditioned for a man’s approval?
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