And How You Can Have Peace

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe that my singleness was beyond my control.  Perhaps I was “meant” to be single for some cosmic reason.  Or, there was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t identify (and couldn’t fix).  Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I believe my singleness is an outcome of my own beliefs and behaviors.  Because I had beliefs about being single that didn’t serve me, I behaved in ways that were guaranteed to keep me single (even though I didn’t recognize that at the time). 

A Course in Miracles says that, “The ego’s dictate in love is to be always seeking, but never finding.”  That phrase really resonated with me.

 I’m well over 40, and one of the perspectives age brings is the ability to look back and see how our behavior has created consequences that we didn’t anticipate. 

I wasted years in relationships with men who told me early on they didn’t want to get married.  I stayed in the relationship.  Not because I ho...

The First Step in Creating a One-Derful Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to feel that my singleness was something that was happening TO me.  Because I disliked being single, it felt like bad luck, or bad karma, or some kind of punishment.

I blamed many things in turn: my parents, my ex-boyfriends, lack of quality men, myself, the Universe.

I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I find a husband?  I only wanted what most women want: a loving marriage and a family of my own.  I didn’t have unrealistically high standards.  (Okay - I had pitifully low standards, but more on that another time.)

With every failed relationship I felt more and more like a victim of some cosmic prank.

I think we can all look at something in our past that messed us up.  Perhaps it was a person or situation from our childhood.  Maybe it was in our formative adolescent years.  Possibly even in adulthood.

One of the most powerful steps I took in making peace with bei...

How to Quit Being the Basic Groupie

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

In The Rules 2”, the sequel to the best-selling relationship book, The Rules, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider advise the reader not to “Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.”

This sounds like a no-brainer, but a lot of us find ourselves in fantasy relationships all the time.

See if you recognize any of these scenarios:

• The guy at the gym who always runs on the treadmill next to you - even when there are plenty of other ones open.  He compliments you, asks about your life, but never asks you out.  You figure he’s shy, and you’re wondering if you should suggest a post-workout smoothie.
• The guy at work (or school) who always smiles at you, asks how you’re doing, flirts with you, and seems to make up excuses to talk to you.  But, he hasn’t asked for your phone number or suggested going out to dinner.  You think he’s afraid of things “getting weird,” so you want to take the lead so he knows you like him.
• The guy who f
...

How You're Keeping Yourself Single and Unhappy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just wanted him to love me.  But he didn’t.

My mother asked me what I wanted in the relationship and all I could come up with was, I want him to love me. 

I had no concept about what I wanted from a relationship or how I wanted to feel in my own life.  I just wanted a man to love me.  I wanted to get married and have a family. 

But I hadn’t clarified what I was willing to accept and unwilling to accept in a man and in a relationship.  It seemed that the only qualification necessary to date me was that a man act like he might eventually love me.  That was enough for me to hang in there.

That’s how I burned up years on relationships where I was devalued, taken for granted, and left feeling like I’d been used.

In one relationship, I tolerated a man going on and on about his ex-girlfriend and thought it was a compliment when he told me he felt like he could talk to me about anything.  What I didn’t realize...

And 2 Quick Fixes that Will Save You Time and Heartache

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Do you ever feel like you’re in a dating-version of the movie “Groundhog Day?” 

You keep having the same experience: you meet a guy, think it’s good (or could be good), then things don’t work out.  And you’re back to square one.

It’s easy to believe that there just aren’t any quality men out there, or that your “picker’s broke,” or that there’s just something wrong with you because you “keep attracting these guys.”

While it’s true that there are fewer “high-value” men over 40 than there are women, the problem may be that you’re wasting so much time and energy on the low-value ones, you aren’t available for the high-value gentlemen!

I’m WAY past 40.  Even though I’ve always longed for a husband and a family, I’ve never been married, and I don’t have any children.  

Having been single in my 20’s, my 30’s, and my 40’s, I’ve had a lot of dates and several relationships that I thought were “the one....

Your Singleness ISN'T Divine Punishment!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe God was punishing me with singleness.  Or, at least, that I just hadn’t gotten good enough to “earn” a man.

If you grew up in church, you’ve probably heard of Psalm 37:4 - “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I took this to mean that if I didn’t have the desire of my heart (i.e., marriage and family), I must not be pleasing God. 

When you think God is mad at you, you’ll start jumping through hoops to be good enough.  And the major problem with this is that when you think God is mad at you, you cannot have peace.

I read one story about King David (who wrote Psalm 37) .  His heart’s desire was to build a new temple for God. 

But, God told David that He would not accept a temple built by David because there was too much blood on David’s hands. 

Unable to build a temple to his God, David set about storing up treasure for his son, Solomon, to build the...

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But Only If You want a Good Relationship

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

If you’re single and you’re over 40, you’ve probably been asked if (or told that) you’re too picky.

Like, you shouldn’t have any standards.  After all, you’re over 40 - you need to be more accepting because nobody’s perfect.

I find it interesting that when you go to the grocery store, you examine the produce because you don’t want to pick the tomatoes that are squished, or the apples that are bruised, or the lemons that are mildewy. 

But, God forbid that you have standards for a relationship!

I was dating a guy and learned that he had been divorced 4 times and had declared personal bankruptcy twice.  I told one of my friends I was going to dump him, and her response was that I was too focused on money.

OK - broke in your 20’s, starting out with nothing and building something together is romantic. 

Bankrupt in your 40’s with 4 divorces (FOUR!), 3 kids, child support, and no retirement ...

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And a Better Way to See Things

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you ever wondered what was wrong with you that you were still single?

I spent a lot of years and money trying to figure out why I could never have a successful relationship. 

I would start therapy sessions with a new counselor with the instruction that we needed to determine what was wrong with me and fix it so I could get married.

I read every relationship book, listened to every dating podcast, tried every self-improvement hack.  I wondered if I was not thin enough, not pretty enough, not elusive enough, too elusive.

When I was 40, I considered that maybe something was just wrong with me - like the wiring in my brain must be deeply flawed.  So flawed that nobody could figure it out, but clearly there was something wrong with me that was the cause of my singleness. 

It wasn’t visible: I have a good figure, I keep myself up, I look way younger than my actual age.  I’m successful, I’m fin...

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And How to Stop Obsessing About It

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you even wondered why “he” chose “her”? 

This wondering may show up in two scenarios:

(a) you wonder why that man (guy you know, celebrity, athlete) chose the woman he’s with; or,

(b) you wonder why the man you wanted (or were with) chose someone else.

Let’s focus on Scenario B today: “your” guy chose her instead of you.

I was dating someone once, and right after we broke up, he started seeing someone who had a less-than-sterling reputation.

To the outsider, it’s clear that his interesting choice had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own character.

But when you’re inside the scenario, it’s normal to wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

I think there are two issues here:

1. He doesn’t want to be with you
2. He does want to be with her

They may be correlated, but not causal.  That’s fancy scientific jargon for, “they might both be happening, but one doesn’t ne...

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How to Save Yourself From the Terror of Singleness

by Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the popular sayings we hear as singles is, “There’s someone for everyone.” 

Another favorite: “Every pot has a lid.” 

If you’re in the Christian community, people will quote Psalm 37:4: “If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

We wander through our singleness, wanting a relationship, always waiting for that one person who will “complete” us.  Thanks, Jerry Maguire.

What if there ISN’T someone for everyone?  What if your pot doesn’t have a lid? 

What if God never gives you the desires of your heart?

One of my girlfriends always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  She is a dutiful daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend.  She nursed her father through his cancer, and has taken care of her mother in the years since his death.  She is a wonderful “mom” to her fur-baby (a dog), and she te...