Do Your Homework

Why you need to do a background check

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Whirlwind courtships seem so romantic!

Remember when Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson were engaged, living together, buying pets, and getting tattoos?  Before we knew it, it was over.

I’ve fallen for the whirlwind romance, and it has ALWAYS ended in heartbreak.

I love how women (and men) suddenly develop ESP when dating: “You just KNOW when it’s right.”  How about just KNOWING the right lottery numbers?  Or just KNOWING your boss is about to reprimand you?

One of my girlfriends was shocked to find out her husband had a criminal record (a serious, felony record).  They married after dating for 3 months, and she was gobsmacked that he hadn’t disclosed this.

Many times, men who want to rush things are doing so because they are racing against the clock.  They want you legally committed to them before you find out who they really are.  By the way - I found his criminal record with ONE Google search (sadly, I didn’t know her before she married him).

Seemingly innocuous crimes are almost always a precursor to more serious criminal behavior.

The Las Vegas shooter didn’t have a “criminal record,” but he had MANY speeding tickets and other vehicle violations.  This pattern shows a disregard for the law and frequently precedes more dangerous behavior.

This isn’t to say that if a guy has gotten 2 or 3 speeding tickets in the last 20 years that he’s a psychopath.  But if he’s had numerous traffic violations in the past 5 years, beware.

Most experts in the fields of psychology, psychopathy, and criminal behavior will tell you that excessive traffic violations are a major red flag and are almost always the tip of the sociopathic iceberg.

If he’s declared bankruptcy you need to know that his wrecked credit will absolutely impact you should you decide to have a life together.  His unpaid taxes will become your problem.

Women think they will “know” if a guy is bad news pretty quickly.  That’s not true - many men are predators and con artists and they prey on single women.  Maybe they’re looking for a place to live, maybe they want sex, maybe they want money.  Most want some form of power and control.

The key here is to get to know a man slowly.  If it’s “meant to be,” then what’s the harm in getting to know him over 6-12 months?  

Men who want to rush things will claim that they are completely smitten with you.  But many times they are racing against the clock to make sure you don’t unravel their real story.  The best case scenario is that he just lacks impulse control.  A man who tells you on a first date that he “knows” he wants you in his and his children’s lives is demonstrating that he is not a discerning father.  How would you know after a few hours if someone is safe to be around your child?

It’s not hard to do a background check.  Some women feel awkward poking into a man’s “personal business,” but they have no qualms about letting him into their lives, homes, and bodies.  If he wants to sleep with you, you have a right to know everything about him.

Who are his friends?  What is his work history?  What is his reputation?  Does he have a criminal record?  Has he declared bankruptcy?  How many times has he been married and divorced?

You can do a background check online.  Don’t balk at paying for one!  Isn’t your safety and possibly your life worth $20?  

You can also hire a private detective.  That’s going to be more expensive, but they are able to access more information and have more resources available to them.

If you want to rent an apartment, they run your credit.  Some companies will pull your driving record.  Before you go to a new restaurant, you look for reviews.  

Isn’t the man who may gain access to every part of your life (and your body!) someone you should check out?

Remember: psychopaths are normally very smooth and charming.  They are energetic, optimistic, and they are able to talk their way into and out of many different situations.  So don’t think that because he “doesn’t seem like a sociopath,” that he isn’t one.

If a man took this advice and ran a background check on me, I’d be fine with it.  I have nothing to hide.

Ladies, when you’re single and you’re over 40, YOU are the only one who can protect you from dangerous men - and there are plenty of them out there.

Part of the One-Derful Life is being at peace.  I speak from experience when I tell you that letting a psychopath into your life is NOT peaceful!  

Question: How do you feel about running a background check on a potential suitor?