How to Move On and Get Different Results in Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Regret.  We all have at least one relationship we look back on and wish we’d done things differently.  Or wish things had been different.  Or wonder what we could have done or not done to cause things to turn out differently.

Sometimes, that regret is hard to shake because we keep repeating our mistakes.  We start to feel like it’s just the same heartache over and over.  Actually, that’s valid.  Sometimes we truly are experiencing the same heartache, just with different people, because we are doing the same things over and over.

One of the best ways I have learned to make peace with the past is to use a tool from Alcoholics Anonymous: the Fourth Step.  In the Fourth Step, the alcoholic makes a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of herself.  This is where you write down everyone you’re resentful towards, why you are...

You're Not Alone!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A. 

I am in several Facebook groups for single women.  This morning, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling with singleness.  She’s tired of going everywhere alone.  It seems like all of her friends and family members are coupled.  She dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate to how she’s feeling.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time and who have made peace with it still struggle with feelings of sadness.

I spent a lot of years feeling sad, left out, and left behind.  Even though 95% of the time NOW I am at peace with singleness, I still have hours (and days) where I feel sad because I would prefer to be married and have a family.  I feel lonely, and I grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me sometimes have the impression...

And How You Can Have Peace

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe that my singleness was beyond my control.  Perhaps I was “meant” to be single for some cosmic reason.  Or, there was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t identify (and couldn’t fix).  Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I believe my singleness is an outcome of my own beliefs and behaviors.  Because I had beliefs about being single that didn’t serve me, I behaved in ways that were guaranteed to keep me single (even though I didn’t recognize that at the time). 

A Course in Miracles says that, “The ego’s dictate in love is to be always seeking, but never finding.”  That phrase really resonated with me.

 I’m well over 40, and one of the perspectives age brings is the ability to look back and see how our behavior has created consequences that we didn’t anticipate. 

I wasted years in...

How to Save Yourself From the Terror of Singleness

by Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the popular sayings we hear as singles is, “There’s someone for everyone.” 

Another favorite: “Every pot has a lid.” 

If you’re in the Christian community, people will quote Psalm 37:4: “If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

We wander through our singleness, wanting a relationship, always waiting for that one person who will “complete” us.  Thanks, Jerry Maguire.

What if there ISN’T someone for everyone?  What if your pot doesn’t have a lid? 

What if God never gives you the desires of your heart?

One of my girlfriends always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  She is a dutiful daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend.  She nursed her father through his cancer, and has taken care...

One Foot In Hope, The Other in Despair

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Recently, my dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine - the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family, proposes that one of the difficulties singles face is the ambiguous loss that comes from grieving the spouse they don’t have while still hoping they will marry.

Grief and loss are more clearly understood if your married and your partner dies or leaves.  But, the complex grief singles experience that comes from not having found the relationship they desire or the fear that it will never happen.

The article states that for Christians, relying on God’s faithfulness eases the pain, but my experience has been that believing God is “keeping me single for a greater purpose” is far from comforting!

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