Why I Don’t Online Date Anymore

Too many duds, and not enough studs!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

The most recent statistic in the United States is that approximately 1/3 of couples who marry meet on an online dating site.  And, I agree that some people do have successful outcomes from dating online.  What we don’t know is the percentage of online matches that result in marriage - I am confident that number is well below 30%.

I do believe that online dating has some benefits.

First, online dating is representative of offline dating - there are good guys and not-so-good guys no matter where you go.

Second, online dating allows you to get out of your normal routine.  If you go from work to gym to home to church, you’re not necessarily going to meet new people.  Online dating creates the opportunity to meet people you would otherwise never cross paths with.

Third, online dating can allow you to meet people in other locations.  If you’re comfortable with long-distance relationships, you can date someone who lives in the next state, across the country, or across the globe.

Perhaps some of the trouble I’ve had with online dating is that I’m not interested in a long-distance relationship.  I’ve been in several, and I find them to be stressful and difficult to sustain.  I live in a small, Southern town, so the dating pool is extremely small and shallow, and that is reflected in the men who are available online as well as offline.

That being said, I tried online dating off and on for 20 years.  I’ve been on many sites: Match, OK Cupid, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish (POF), Elite Singles, Zoosk, Christian mingle, and others.

For a while, my strategy was to meet anyone who asked - in a public place and never getting into his car!  That resulted in a lot of time wasted on dates with low-value men.

Then I upped my standards, which cut down on the date offers.  From there, I would ask the potential date 5 qualifying questions.  This would further eliminate possible meetings.  But, I still didn’t meet great guys.

 “Sheesh, Mary.  You’re so picky.  I mean, what are you looking for?”  

He needs to have a stable, prosperous career.  He needs to be kind and respectful and want to be married.  He cannot have a criminal record or more than 2 divorces.  I must feel chemistry towards him.  I don’t think those are unreasonable standards.  In fact, the only men who think I’m unreasonable are the ones who don’t have stable, prosperous careers, or who do have criminal records!

 Here’s what I learned from online dating:

1. There are a lot of low-value men out there who are looking for a woman to financially support them.  Here’s how you spot them: They are living with roommates, friends, or their parents.  They have an ex-wife who was the breadwinner and either cheated on him or left him because she realized being single was better than supporting her children AND her husband.  They will tell you money isn’t important to them - that’s because they don’t have any, but they will be perfectly fine spending yours.

2. Men who are unwilling to pay for a dating site membership are the lowest quality because they usually cannot afford the price.  Men who won’t pay for a dating site membership are looking to get something for nothing.  It’s not that they WON’T pay the $35 a month, it’s that they CAN’T pay it.

3. Predators, sociopaths, and psychopaths love online dating because there are a lot of lonely women who make ripe targets.  Just like you love scrolling through Amazon looking at shoes or jewelry, men can scroll through a dating site looking for a desperate woman.  If you think I’m being harsh, go on a dating site and enter information that you are a man, age 35-55 looking for a woman age 35-55 and see what comes up.  Read the profiles of our sisters, because some of them are pretty embarrassing.  It’s not that they’re bad girls, but they’re lonely and want to find love and bad guys know that.

4. Men who are online are frequently unable to meet women offline because they are not good guys.  Give the current demographics in the United States, there are more single,  high-value men over 40 than there are women (even when you subtract out gay men and gay women).  This means professional, high-value men don’t have to work very hard to meet high-value women - it’s like taking candy from a baby in a nursery - so many babies!  These guys have friends setting them up, women pursuing them, and scores of single women at work, at the gym, at church, in the grocery store.  They don’t need online dating because they meet lots of women offline.  If they’re online, it’s usually because they’re looking for a lot of women to have fun with.

 The last time I dated online, I was disappointed in every match. 

Until I met a great guy - a schoolteacher who said he was a Christian, attended church, and seemed to share my values.  He was excited about me and I really liked him.  There were some red flags, which I was ignoring, until I couldn’t ignore the major flag: I uncovered his serious (and recent!) criminal record.  Turns out, he’s a legitimate psychopath (and I mean that in the clinical sense of the word).  When I ended the relationship, he proceeded to stalk, harass, and terrify me.  And he has recently started up again.

 THAT’S why I don’t participate in online dating anymore.  Just weeding through the messages and trying to vet the ones who seem decent is like a full-time job.  And Mama ain’t got time for that!

I found that I was so aggravated with the situation that it was destroying my peace and happiness.  And that peace and happiness is the foundation of my One-Derful Life because in order to enjoy life (and be attractive to a high-value man) you have to be peaceful and happy where you are right now.

Again, I know some women have good experiences with online dating.  I haven’t.  And I like Albert Einstein’s idea:  insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

One more thing: Before you go out there and look for a date, be sure you’re over your heartbreak.

Question:  What are your experiences with online dating?