How to Be Confident In Your Singleness

Maybe You're Super Successful at Avoiding Bad Relationships

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just can’t get it right. 

Ever thought that?  Ever looked at the relationships in your rearview mirror and recognized yourself as the common denominator. 

And if you’re the one who keeps having relationship failures, well….it’s easy to feel like YOU’RE the failure.

I’ve always wanted to be married, but I’m over 40 and I’ve never been married.  I’ve dated a lot, and I’ve been in love, but nothing that lasted. 

I used to see my string of broken relationships as proof that I was a failure at love.  While it’s true that I’m not the best person to tell you how to get a man to commit, I’m definitely an expert on what doesn’t work.

One of my readers commented once that she wasn’t sure I was “qualified” to give relationship advice - having never been married. 

She may be right. 

But, you won’t find anyone more qualified to talk about heartbreak, dating, and learning how to be happy when you really don’t want to be single.

Seeing yourself as a failure is a problem because when you see yourself that way, you project that vibe and people pick up on it. 

And, if you think you’re a loser, other people are not going to see you as confident and positive. 

Ask any man what he’s looking for in a woman; he WON’T say he wants someone who feels like a failure, thinks she’s a loser, and lacks confidence.

For a long time, I didn’t believe I could be happy while single because I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE SINGLE.  But, when I passed 40, I realized I needed to make peace with being single because it may not change.

I got to the point where I just wanted to feel good about myself and my life.  That’s what I call the One-Derful Life: you are happy and peaceful WHILE you’re single (not BECAUSE you’re single).  But in order to feel One-Derful, you have to STOP feeling like a failure.

Here’s how:

1. Change your definition of failure.  Sometimes, a relationship is successful WHEN IT ENDS. 

You’ve heard that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. If the reason has been fulfilled, the relationship has done what it was supposed to do, and it’s time for it to end. 

A caterpillar isn’t a failure because it doesn’t come out of the chrysalis.  It’s a success when it doesn’t come out!  The caterpillar’s complete death and decomposition is what the butterfly needs to nourish itself so it can leave the chrysalis.

2. Make different mistakes.  I can’t remember who said this, but it stuck with me: I don’t mind making mistakes - I just want to make different mistakes. 

If you’re not learning from your relationships, then you aren’t failing, but you may be stuck. 

The Universe is going to keep sending you the same gift in a different package until you learn the lesson.  Look back at your past relationships and find the common themes.  What do you need to do differently?

3. Redefine “right.”  If you feel like you can’t ever get it right, challenge yourself of what right would look like for you. 

We normally say "right" is our desired outcome (like getting engaged). 

I ended a relationship after ignoring some serious red flags.  While it’s true that I felt like I’d had another relationship “failure,” I realized that I did get something right: I put my relationship with myself first. 

I was allowing this guy to devalue and disrespect me, and that was not healthy.  If we had gotten married, we would have had a sick marriage that would have destroyed me. 

I realized I have had a pattern of tolerating the intolerable in relationships, but this one taught me how to choose myself. 

So, yeah - I got that one right.

Before I forget - if you need some help getting over a broken heart, check out my ABC's of healing.  You'll be on your way to a One-Derful Life!

Question: have you ever felt like a failure in relationships?