Don’t Give Him a Vote in Your Career!

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was getting excited about a man and, believing this was my “happy ending,” I resigned my job and planned to move across the country to be with him. 

He came out to help me move, but instead informed me that he’d “changed his mind.”  He was on a plane the next day, leaving me with a job I couldn’t get back, all of my belongings packed up in boxes, and a lost deposit on the moving truck I no longer needed.

I was devastated and humiliated.

I had never before put a relationship before my career.  As a single woman, I was crystal clear that I was my sole provider.  But I was 30 years old and I desperately wanted to be married and have a family.  Now I had no man, no prospects, and no income.

And from that day hence, I never again let a man have any influence on my career.  

Well - except for the times when I’d be focused on a relationship, which took away from my hourly-rate consulting work.  I would believe I was making progress in love, but when the relationship ended, I’d have no love and less money.  From those mistakes, I learned not to go on dates instead of working!  Get my work done, then go on the date!

I’ve watched many of my friends allow men to dictate the terms of their careers.  That’s ok if you are with a generous, stable provider and have a prenuptial agreement that protects you.  

One of my friends let her jealous live-in boyfriend tell her she couldn’t work for her ex-husband’s mother because New Guy was jealous.  Keep in mind, he was perpetually broke, and he invited himself to move into her house because he couldn’t afford where he was living.

Another friend of mine married a guy she’d known for 3 months, THEN discovered the reason he had career troubles was because of his criminal record.  (A record that I found with ONE internet search, but she had never been aware of.) Even though he wasn’t going to provide for her, he wanted her to quit her job.  Maybe he was planning to return to his life of crime to pay the bills.

Many women have the fantasy of finding Mr. Right and never having to work again.  This setup worked when families could live comfortably on one income.  And, divorce was less acceptable.  The social contract was that the man would work, take care of the lawn, and handle home repairs.  The woman would handle raising the children and all domestic duties.

Today, even if you meet a great provider, he may still want you to work.  And that’s actually a good idea because what if something happens to him?  What if he becomes disabled or is diagnosed with a bankrupting illness?  What if he loses his job or leaves you?

One of my friends lost her husband suddenly.  He was in the process of changing his will, but at the time of his death the current will left everything to his grown children and NOTHING to her!  She was left destitute after more than 25 years of marriage and there was nothing she could do about it.

Ladies, you must have your own money.  And be VERY wary of any man who tries to control YOUR money or YOUR career.  This is almost always a giant red flag because it shows he wants to limit your freedom.

One of my friends married young and was a stay-at-home mom.  Her husband constantly threw it in her face that his income was “his money,” while forbidding her to work outside the home.  Now the kids are grown, and she still can’t afford to leave him because her part-time job doesn’t allow her to support herself.  And he doesn’t make enough for any alimony to be helpful.

Conversely, if a man expects you to work full-time so he can sit at home, this is also a red flag.  He wants to live off you!  Personally, if I’m going to be with a man who works part-time or not at all, I’ll find a 22-year old stud who is at least good to look at and has “potential.” 

Out-earning your man usually results in one of two scenarios: (a) he resents you; or, (b) he’s content to goof off while you pay his bills (this is juvenile behavior).

The divorce rate on first marriages is near 50%.  It’s higher than that if either person has been divorced previously.  That means there is a good chance that your marriage ends before your life.  Don’t throw away your ability to provide for yourself.

If you’re not married, you absolutely should not allow a man to weigh in on your career or finances.  If he’s not willing and able to step up and provide for you, he should have zero vote in how you provide for yourself.

Besides, most men want a woman who is financially responsible and who has a successful career.  Look at George Clooney: he loves the fact that Amal is a successful human rights attorney.  

You can’t be peaceful in your life if you are worried about money - married or single.  Part of the One-Derful Life is feeling safe and peaceful, so don’t give away your security for a man who isn’t going to provide for you.

Since you have your own moolah, why not treat yourself to some One-Derful Life swag?

Question: have you ever let a man make decisions about your career or finances?