It's OK to NOT Be OK with Singleness

Listen to the Podcast Episode

It's Good To Want A Relationship

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Shouldn’t I Be OK With Being Single?

Our society tells us that men and women are interchangeable.  I actually saw an article that explicitly said that.  Women don’t need men, it said.  

So, if you feel like you need a relationship, there must be something wrong with you. 

You’re weak. 

You’re falling for the Hollywood fairytale that you need Prince Charming to come save you, right?

I always felt like such a phony when I would tell people, “I don’t need a man!” 

In my heart, I felt like I did need a man and a relationship. 

All of my self-help books (and Oprah) told me I was a complete person, but I felt like something big was missing. 

But I didn’t want to tell anyone that, because it sounded so anti-feminist. 

How could a successful career woman want a husband that would care for her and a family to dote on? 

Then, there’s the problem that I’m WAY over 40 and still single. 

So I have spent a lot of years feeling like I’m missing something I need. 

And feeling weak because I really want marriage and a family.

Here's how to be OK with not being OK about your singleness:

Get real about what you want. 

There’s a difference between needing a man because you think a husband and children will fix you. 

That’s a problem, and no man wants to have to fix you.  If he does, he’s likely a control freak who wants a project, not a partner. 

But high-value men want women who are whole - not perfect, but whole. 

He’ll want to provide for you and protect you, but he won’t have to repair you. 

If you really NEED a man because you want someone to fix you, consider a therapist.  Your therapist can help you fix you, and then you’ll be ready for what you want: a relationship.

Listen to Biology, Not Hollywood

The Prince Charming story is not entirely fictional. 

Evolutionary psychology tells us that over millions of years, women are biologically programmed to want the protection and provision of a man.  (I recommend the book Love Factually by Dr. Duana Welch.) 

Men are programmed to value youth and beauty.  Our society says both of those biological programs are wrong, but we’re fighting against nature (and God) when we struggle against these human instincts. 

This doesn’t mean women are gold diggers or that men are shallow. 

It’s okay to want a man and it’s okay to want one who will step up and be a man.  This is also bad news because…

…You Won’t Be Happy if You Settle

Our biological programming is directly at odds with our culture. 

There are plenty of men out there who are content to let a woman support them financially, emotionally, and domestically.  These men won’t step up and commit to providing or protecting (or even being monogamous), and there are enough women out there who will settle for this. 

For a year, I dated a doctor and was madly in love with him.  I legit thought we were getting married.  When he wouldn’t commit, I started dating a man who made a lot less money that I do.  He was fun, charming, and carefree, and I figured I shouldn’t be so picky. 

After all, if we worked together, we could have a nice life. 

Things started to unravel, however, when I saw that his plan (as he had done in his first marriage) was to have me provide the financial support in the household. 

Being the sole provider for a man terrified me.  As a woman, that is not something I am programmed for. 

I can support myself.  If I had kids, I’d support them, too.  If I was married to a provider and something happened to him, I’d support him - better or worse.  But starting off that way in your 40’s leads to resentment for both parties.

So, I can admit it: I would prefer a relationship.  But, I’d rather be happy and single than settle for a relationship that won’t meet my needs.

That's what I call the One-Derful Life: you are happy and peaceful while you're single, even though you'd prefer a relationship.

Before I forget - if you need some help getting over a broken heart, check out my ABC's of healing.  You'll be on your way to a One-Derful Life!

Question: How about you?  Would you prefer a relationship over singleness?