Require Him to Do This

Quit Settling for Basic Treatment

by Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Netflix and chill.

Hanging out.

Just kicking it.

These are the low-value situations women are finding themselves in.  Sadly, they rarely lead to the care and commitment most women over 40 desire.

Certainly, if you are NOT interested in marriage, these scenarios are perfect!  But, if you long for long-term commitment in the form of marriage, these paths are dead ends.

I teach at a university, and many of my girls have accepted “Netflix and chill” or “hanging out” as the way to build a relationship.  This teaches the guys that they don’t have to put forth any effort to get a girl.

In this demographic climate, there are many more single, professional women over 40 than there are single, professional men over 40.  This leaves single women feeling like they need to go along with a man’s low-effort plan in order to “get a husband.”  But, when you let him lead you down this low-value path, he doesn’t see you as “wife material.”  

Ladies, if we want men who are chivalrous, who are gentlemen, and who cherish and value us, we must up the requirements.

Here are some examples of low-value behavior women agree to in the early stages of dating:

• Last minute dates
• Dates that are home-based (him cooking for you; you cooking for him; watching a movie)
• Meeting him at his work for an event (he’s a restaurant manager and he invites you to be “his guest” at the New Year’s Eve celebration)
• Allowing a guy who has disappeared on you to come back without apology or even mention of where he’s been
• Settling for impersonal communication (texts, comments on social media, emails)

Many women accept these behaviors because we are afraid that if we are “too picky,” he won’t like us and we’ll “lose out.” 

Right.  Lose out on that “great guy” who doesn’t care enough to pick up the phone, ask you on a proper date several days in advance, take you out to dinner, then stay in touch (if he’s interested).  He actually calls, rather than sending you the same text he’s sending 5 other women. Ideally, if he didn’t like you, he would send you the, “Didn’t feel a spark, but good luck” text - but let’s not raise the bar too high.

Luckily, men over 40 really do know the proper way to court a woman because they came up during the pre-internet, pre-cell phone, pre-email years.  They get it.  But as women, we don’t require that old-fashioned courting anymore.  All humans will take the path of least resistance, so when we give men the easy way to our hearts, they will take it.

A man likes to compete and win the prize.  If you bought a guy a shiny new football trophy and handed it to him, he’d hate it.  But if he goes out and wins a flag football game where the prize is a silly-looking stuffed armadillo, he will proudly display that thing where everyone can see it.  This is why young males are so proud of the first car they buy on their own.  They had to work and sacrifice for it, so even if it’s some 15-year old junker, they treat it with pride.

The truth is, the more you allow low-value behavior, the more you’ll get of it.

I dated a guy for a while who developed the habit of being very rude to me.  When I finally called him out on it, his response was, “I didn’t think you minded because you never said anything about it.”

Notice, he knew he was being rude, and then he blamed me for his behavior, saying I never stopped it.

While that’s a douchebag move, he does have a point: I was permitting the rude behavior, so I got more of it.  The only time it changed was when I put my foot down.  If I had taken action THE FIRST TIME he acted rudely, it would have been the last time because either he would have known not to do it again, or there would be no more dates with me.

Ladies, we’re so afraid to expect men to make the effort of proper courting, but they are completely able to make plans in advance for anything that interests them.  Golf outings, Super Bowl parties, trips to see concerts.  A man will arrange his entire week around a golf tournament or a basketball game on TV.  He can plan a dinner date and ask you out at least 3 days in advance.  But only if you require it.

Men know that valuable things have a higher price.  A luxury car costs more than a used Kia.  A  country club membership requires dues.  Sitting in first class costs more than coach.  You are not a used Kia!

Want a high-value man who cherishes you and chases you?  Require him to court you.  And not just for a few dates or a few weeks.

This is one way to stand out from the pack of women who accept substandard treatment in dating.

And, if a man doesn’t think you’re worth the time and effort of a phone call, a dinner date that he planned, or a bouquet of flowers, that tells you a lot.  It’s painful information, but it’s kind of like the oil light that starts blinking on your dashboard: there’s a problem that requires immediate attention and action because letting it go is going to end up in complete engine (relationship) failure.

Sisters, we can’t complain about men being lazy when we don’t hold them to the standard that requires them to work for our time and attention.

True, this requires confidence on your part.  But the foundation of a One-Derful Life is having the confidence to know that you are worth a man’s effort.  And that if a man isn’t making an effort, you are okay being single until one comes along who will value you.

If you’re recovering from a broken heart, it can be tough to feel confident.  If you need some help regaining your confidence, check this out.

Question: How High Are YOUR Standards?