What to Do When You've Been Dumped Part 2

How to Recover Your Confidence and Self-Respect

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Click here to read Part 1.

The only thing worse than the pain of rejection is looking back on the rejection and realizing you torpedoed your self-esteem, dignity, and any chance you had at making him realize you are a high-value woman.  

If you adopt these strategies, you will increase your confidence, your self-respect, and your value in your own eyes (and therefore everyone else’s).

If you're in need of emotional first aid, look at this.

Given that you’re hurting, you MUST follow this plan.  You won’t FEEL like it, but trust me - you’ll be glad you did.

Cut off communication.  He’s probably used to you being at his beck and call. He also thinks that if he graces you with a phone call, a social media post, or a text, you’ll immediately answer. 

But think about it: if you got fired from your job, would you continue to spend money at the place you used to work?  Hope not. 

He has let you know that he doesn’t want to communicate with you - either he ghosted, or he broke up with you outright, which is the adult way of saying, “I don’t want to be with you.” 

Communication from him only keeps your hopes up, and he knows that.  That way, you’re available as a safety net or a booty call.  He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, so don’t communicate with him.  You’re honoring his wishes.  That means, ignore his texts, don’t answer his calls, unfriend/delete him on social media.  If you have to, block him everywhere. 

Don’t ask about him to your mutual friends.  Don’t show up where he’s going to be.  If you run into him, pretend you don’t see him.  If he walks up to you and speaks, say a quick “hi” and keep it moving.  Do yourself a favor and don’t troll his social media or his friends’ accounts or his new girl’s account. 

If you want to get over it, you have to stop sticking your heart into the blender. 

See, disappearing has the effect of people making up things to fill in your absence.  When you reappear with a new hairstyle, maybe you’ve lost 10 pounds and gotten a tan (spray, of course), people assume you’ve been off on an exotic adventure.  They don’t think you’ve been curled up on the floor crying, unable to eat for 2 weeks.  You need the silence to create an air of mystery.

He doesn’t get to be your friend.  You don’t owe it to him to make him feel good about ditching you.  Unless you actually don’t have feelings for him and you want another friend.  Otherwise, he doesn’t get your friendship as a consolation prize.  You are not a consolation prize.  You don’t have to make him feel bad, but don’t make him feel good.

You must appear to be happy.  I broke up with a guy once because he didn’t want to get married.  I saw him at a meeting after that, and he was happy - laughing and joking with some other guys and drinking coffee.  I was so mad - I had dumped him!  He should be sad. 

We got back together, and I mentioned that to him, and he told me he was totally devastated, but he didn’t want me to see that, and he didn’t want the other men to see him moping.  Well - it worked! 

Don’t mope around town, work, or social media.  Put on some makeup, do your hair, wear a nice dress, and pretend to be happy and carefree! 

First of all, nobody else needs to feel the brunt of your heartache - it’s not their fault.  Second, if he sees you or if a friend of his sees you, and you are happy and breezy, he will wonder why you aren’t upset.  I guarantee - it will bother him.  

Spin it, Olivia Pope!  The last thing you want to do is let other people know you were dumped.  It’s tempting to be the sad victim so people will feel sorry for you and comfort you.  But, ultimately, they will just wonder why you keep getting ditched.  

I struggled with telling some of my stories - especially the ones where I have been rejected, because I don’t want people wondering “what’s wrong with her.” 

I’ve chosen to be transparent to try to help people, but when I was dating, I would never tell a date that I had been dumped.  If a man knows another man rejected you, he wonders what’s wrong with YOU.  It’s a buyer beware to them. 

Your best responses to why a relationship didn’t work out: it just didn’t.  Or, we had different goals.  Or, he wasn’t the right guy for me.

Self-respect and resilience are part of having a One-Derful Life.  You may not be happy BECAUSE you’re single, but you can be happy while you’re single.

Question: What's the best advice you've ever received that helped you move on after heartbreak?