Why You Need to Disappear

How to Increase Your Value

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

In economics, the principle of scarcity tells us that hard-to-get products are perceived by the market to have a higher value.  In other words, we tend to want what we can’t have, and we’re willing to pay more to get it.

Goods that are in ample supply - like potato chips - are priced relatively low.  They’re seen as commodities and are therefore worth less to us.

Scarcity is why Starbucks only offers that Pumpkin Spice Latte in the autumn.  It drives demand.  We know we can’t get it any other time.  If we could, it wouldn’t be exciting.  You may like the Caramel Macchiato, but it’s not special.

As women, we think men will appreciate us more if we are readily available and “there for them.”

However, men are hunters.  They enjoy the thrill of the chase.

I live in the deep South, where many men are deer hunters.  They will sit in a deer stand for hours - in the cold, at 4 a.m. - trying to shoot a 12-point buck.  During that time, they will likely see 87 squirrels, but who cares about squirrels?  There’s no glory in shooting a squirrel.  They’d rather leave that deer stand empty handed than drive off with a sack full of squirrel carcasses.

One of the things my male college students complain about is that girls are always around.  He sees her in class, then she’s always in his room hanging out.  He gets bored!

I was dating a man once that I worked with.  We were also living together.  One evening he looked at me and asked, “Do you have any work trips planned?”  “No, honey,” I replied.  “I’m not going anywhere!”  “That’s a shame,” he told me.  “When we first started dating you were busy.  Now I see you all the time.  It would be nice to miss you.”

See, men equate the feeling of missing you with being in love.

As women, we derive security from the constancy of having our man, friends, and family around us.  Men like the thrill of the rare find!

It’s natural to want to spend every moment with your man.  But, if you want him to stay crazy about you and NOT take you for granted, make yourself scarce sometimes!

Book a trip with your girlfriends for a long weekend.  Go out to dinner with your sister and let your guy fend for himself.  Don’t answer his text in less than 22 seconds.

We think it’s “mean” to “abandon” a man.  But men don’t see independence in women as abandonment.  They think it’s sexy!

When he can get you on the phone every time he calls or you hit him back immediately when he texts or emails, he never has to wonder where you are or what you’re doing.  You’re not mysterious.

We’re not talking about playing games - playing hard to get.  Men don’t want a woman who “plays” hard to get.  But they do value a woman who IS hard to get!

Ever notice how the guys you’re not into are the ones who are always asking you out?  Always texting?  And the ones you like seem so aloof?

Sometimes that’s because of this idea that we want what we can’t have.

When you’re hard to get, you’re unique and special.  Like a rare, imported luxury car.  And men take care of those rare cars, don’t they?  On the other hand, most men won’t stay up late dreaming about having a Prius (no offense - they’re great cars, but not difficult to obtain).

Women complain that men lose interest “once they have you.”  That’s true, and that’s why men who are the most enamored of their women will tell you they never truly feel like they “have” her.

On the other hand, women who are around all the time and at a man’s beck and call find themselves being devalued.  Why?  He knows he doesn’t have to stay on his toes in order to keep her.

As women, this is hard to hear.  It’s a very different paradigm than how we operate.  But here’s the truth: men are not women.  Ladies, start being a little scarce and see if your guy doesn’t step it up.

A man I knew asked me out and I was dating a lot.  I literally didn’t have time in my calendar until, “Two weeks from this Sunday at 4 p.m.”. I thought he’d laugh in my face.  Nope.  He jumped on that and was excited to get a slot on my dance card.  Knowing other men were interested and that my time was valuable made me more desirable in his eyes.

Part of living a One-Derful Life is having a full life!  Don’t give up your life when you meet a man.  Don’t change your entire schedule to revolve around him.  That will keep you sane if the relationship doesn’t work out, but it will make him more likely to value you.

It’s hard to feel valuable when you’re suffering from a broken heart.  If you’re trying to get over heartbreak, check out our ABC’s of Healing - it’ll help you go from pitiful to One-Derful in no time!

Question: Do you make yourself scarce?