Build It Right

 There are No Shortcuts in Successful Relationships

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Recently some houses were constructed along the route I typically take to the gym.  It seemed like they were fully built in record time - going from foundation to ready in under 2 months.

As a former homeowner, I know the importance of what you CAN’T see in a home.  Sure, the beautiful countertops, floor tiles, and fixtures are exciting, but if your foundation, plumbing, and electrical systems aren’t up-to-par, you are in for years of expensive problems.

This morning there was a letter to “Dear Abby” in the newspaper (yes, I still read a daily newspaper).  The writer was a woman saying she got involved with a coworker - their affair was fast and furious.  She became pregnant, so they chose to move in together to coparent their child.  The problem: they detest each other and do not agree on anything related to their relationship or life together.

As a society, we seem enamored of whirlwind courtships.  People say, “When you know, you know,” like they all of a sudden have ESP.  

It’s even worse when there’s a baby in the mix.  Women change deeply when they discover they are pregnant - even when they didn’t want to be pregnant!  Many times, they bond with the baby and become ready for motherhood, even when they hadn’t anticipated it.  Men are different.  

If a man WANTS a family, then yes - children will profoundly change him.  If not, he may not be as bonded to the baby, and a baby will not emotionally connect him to the mother of his child.

In other words, a baby won’t create the family you’ve always dreamed of.

I say, if it’s “meant to be,” what’s the harm in taking time to build it right?  What’s the big rush?

The chemical cocktail your brain is high on when you “fall in love” (or extreme lust and infatuation) is comparable to the effects of cocaine.  You wouldn’t expect to make solid life decisions while high on coke, but you think you can “just know” this guy you met three weeks ago is your soulmate?

Men know women want commitment and relationship.  There are men who fuel this whirlwind romance innocently - they have also succumbed to the high of the brain cocktail.  However, they will frequently pull away and seem to lose interest at about the 3- or 4-month point as the dopamine levels start to level off and decline.

Some men fuel this speedy courtship for more nefarious reasons: they want to rush you to the altar because they are hiding a dealbreaker that, given more time, you will uncover.

If you’re over 40, I’m not talking about giving a relationship 2 years.  What if you were engaged after 6 months, then waiting 6 months before marrying?  That would give you a full year to see who you’re really dealing with.  What have you lost?

And, don’t move in with him if you’re not married!  In every study on this subject, we see that cohabitation prior to marriage does NOT increase a man’s likelihood to propose.  If anything, it diminishes it.

With a house or a car, you can do an inspection of the “inner parts.”  You can investigate the crawlspace, attic, ductwork, and plumbing.  You can “get under the hood” and look at the engine and automotive systems.

The only way to inspect the inner parts of a person is with time.  There is no shortcut!

The reason companies use a 90-day probation period for new employees is because it takes about 90 days for the dopamine rush of a new experience to wear off and for you to see what kind of person you’re really dealing with.  Most people cannot keep up a personality rouse (unless they have a for-real personality disorder) for longer than 90 days.

Firing an employee is a lot easier than leaving a marriage!  Why wouldn’t you give your relationship ample time to make sure it’s strong, healthy, and can stand the test of time?

Part of living a One-Derful Life is being rooted and grounded enough that you don’t rush into life-altering situations without doing your due diligence.  Taking time to get to know someone saves you time - if you’ve ever been through a painful breakup, you know it can take months and years to move past the heartache.

Speaking of heartache: if you’re struggling to get over a broken heart, check out our ABC’s of Healing.  This free video will help you with emotional first-aid so you can get back to your life and enjoy it!

Question: How do you feel about whirlwind courtships?