Dealing with Shady Guys

Things Aren’t Always Cooler in the Shade

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of my girlfriends recently had an experience that we can all benefit from.

One of her neighbors was being very flirty with her.  He was bringing the compliments and the sweet words, and eventually asked her to dinner.  She found him very attractive and she liked his personality.  Except for one thing:  he’s married.

The only way she suspected this was because when he was moving in a few months ago, a woman was helping him.

He is in town on a work assignment that will last months.

When he asked her out, she asked if he is married.  “Separated,” he answered.

OK - stop here.

One thing you need to know about shady guys is that they will play semantics and split hairs, all while justifying that they aren’t lying to you (omitting key information is fine, though).  

In this case, I’m sure he meant “separated,” as in: we’re living in separate locations.  On my taxes I claim the maintenance of a “separate household.”

She asked him when his divorce would be final.  “Uh...I don’t know,” he replied.

What she SHOULD have asked is, “Are you getting a divorce?”  

Otherwise, he would always be able to say that she never asked if he was getting a divorce and he never said he was getting a divorce (and it would have been HER responsibility to ask).

However, we know that in our state (and in the state where his wife lives), the divorce laws are nearly identical.  Anyone in the process of divorce knows exactly when the process will be final.  His, “uh...I don’t know” response was a huge, red flag.

I don’t date married men, and neither does my friend.  She told him he could ask her when his divorce was final.

About a month after that, he asked her to come to his place for a drink.  Her answer, “No, thank you.”  And she kept it moving.

He continued to flirt and mislead.

Then his wife came to town for an extended visit.  My friend met her as she was coming out of the apartment and my friend said hello.  She introduced herself and seems like a lovely person.

On Facebook, she effusively proclaims her love for her “wonderful” husband.  Now, I don’t know what she knows.  I don’t know what agreements they may have in their marriage.

What I do know: this guy has been shady with my friend.

For years, I would ignore the warning bells that would go off in these situations.  Maybe I was so attracted I wanted to believe the best.  Maybe I wanted a husband of my own so badly that I was willing to believe empty words.  Maybe I wanted to believe my Boaz had finally showed up.

All of that “hoping for the best” caused me to tune out the warning bells and believe what was said (or not said) rather than the incongruous behavior I was witnessing.

Back to my friend:

Should she confront him on his shadiness?  Nope.

Should she clue in his wife?  Absolutely not.

Here’s what I suggested she do:  in the most chipper and cheerful voice she can muster, ask him how his wife is doing EVERY SINGLE TIME HE SPEAKS TO HER.

Give him friendly, one word answers and keep it moving - you ain’t got time for shady, time-wasting men.

When she sees him, she should always remember that he is a dishonest, deceptive, duplicitous person.

He is also a reminder that we must be diligent in vetting men.

Ladies, it would be great if Prince Charming would just sweep in and we could trust that he’s a good guy based only on his great hair and our butterflies.

But, butterflies are chemical reactions that leave you about as capable of good decision making as cocaine use.

And trust is to be earned, not bestowed because “he’s really cute.”

Shady guys are shady because they have honed their shadiness with lots of practice.

Don’t entertain them.  Don’t engage with them.  Don’t be friends with them.

They don’t care about you.  They don’t care about their own integrity, their own honor, or the consequences of their behavior.

Part of the One-Derful Life is having clear boundaries that keep shady guys out of your life.  Why?  They will ALWAYS wreck your peace, destroy your happiness, and decimate your ability to feel content.  One-hundred percent of the time.

You may be particularly vulnerable to shady guys if you’re getting over a broken heart.  If that’s you, check out our ABC’s of Healing.  This free training will get you on the way to wholeness and feeling One-Derful before you know it.

Question: have you ever dealt with a shady guy?