Don’t Be Mean

The Only Thing Worse than a Mean Girl is a Mean Woman

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I was a nerd in junior high and high school.  As such, I was regularly teased and made fun of by the popular girls.

Even today, I tend to misunderstand when people are insulting me because I err on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt to others.  I don’t assume that sideways comment was shady until someone else points it out.  Maybe ignorance really is bliss, though!

Meanness seems to be more acceptable today.  Politicians, celebrities, reality stars, and social media trolls don’t seem to be bothered by their own mean behavior.  The anonymity of the internet makes it possible to leave hateful comments without having to take responsibility for the harm they inflict.

Even if someone does call out a celebrity on an inappropriate comment, the response is normally to delete the post and issue an apology, but if you’ve ever been hurt someone’s words, you know they can leave a wound that an apology will never erase.

Sometimes, we justify our mean comments with, “Well, it’s the truth.  I’m just being honest.”  Just because something is true, it doesn’t make saying it a good idea.

When someone says something unkind about me, I wonder if they’re sowing or if I’m reaping.  I’m sure we can all think back on things we’ve said and done and regret them, knowing they were unkind or untrue or unnecessary.

Many times, we post comments on social media that we would never say to a person’s face.  We feel safe in the privacy of our home, hiding behind our screens and maybe our non-identifying user names.  We can launch a hand grenade of unkind words and never even see the destruction we have caused.  We don’t have to be responsible.  We don’t have to feel bad when we see the person’s hurt expression or tears welling up in their eyes.

This idea that honesty justifies meanness is flawed.  It may be true that your friend has gained 20 pounds and that it’s obvious, but that doesn’t make it okay to point it out to her.  

It might be true that one of my students isn’t all that smart, but what would be gained by me telling her that?  Absolutely nothing!

Of course, all of this pales in comparison to how mean we can be to ourselves.

A friend told me one time that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.  My abuser?  Me.  She was right, and it was difficult to hear.

Geneen Roth, in Women, Food, and God, makes the point that sometimes we beat ourselves up thinking we can motivate ourselves to do better.  For example, we tell ourselves, “I’m such a disgusting, fat pig.  I’m going to lose weight because who could ever love me when I look so awful?”

The problem is, that internal dialogue will make you feel worse, so you’ll probably eat to soothe yourself.  Then you beat up on yourself even more because of your “poor self control,” and the cycle continues.

Likewise, you cannot motivate someone else to change by being mean.  If anyone has ever said unkind things to you in an attempt to get you to “improve,” you know how feeling judged and unloved likely pushed you further down into a pit.

One of my girlfriends prefaces her comments with, “This may be stupid, but...” or, “I may be dumb for thinking this, but...”  The woman has a doctoral degree!  There is nothing stupid or dumb about her!  I’ve been working to break her of this habit.  She was unaware that she was doing it, but I don’t want her calling my friend dumb!

Start paying attention to your posts, comments, and conversations.  Even the ones you have in the privacy of your own head!  (Maybe ESPECIALLY those!)

Are you being mean to others?  Are you being mean to yourself?  It’s not about being right, it’s about being kind.

Why does it matter?  When you’re tearing down others, you can’t feel good about yourself.  When those mean-spirited, vitriolic words are coming out of your mouth, they are symptomatic of a heart problem.  Your heart is hurting and you are lashing out.  Rather than attacking others, can you examine what’s going on inside you that is making it feel good for you to be mean?

Question: Do you find yourself being mean (to others or to yourself)?