You're Not Alone!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A. 

I am in several Facebook groups for single women.  This morning, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling with singleness.  She’s tired of going everywhere alone.  It seems like all of her friends and family members are coupled.  She dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate to how she’s feeling.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time and who have made peace with it still struggle with feelings of sadness.

I spent a lot of years feeling sad, left out, and left behind.  Even though 95% of the time NOW I am at peace with singleness, I still have hours (and days) where I feel sad because I would prefer to be married and have a family.  I feel lonely, and I grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me sometimes have the impression...

And What I Believe Now that Has Brought Me Peace

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe that my singleness was beyond my control.  Perhaps I was “meant” to be single for some cosmic reason.  Or, there was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t identify (and couldn’t fix).  Maybe I just had bad luck.

 Today, I believe my singleness is an outcome of my own beliefs and behaviors.  Because I had beliefs about being single that didn’t serve me, I behaved in ways that were guaranteed to keep me single (even though I didn’t recognize that at the time). 

A Course in Miracles says that, “The ego’s dictate in love is to be always seeking, but never finding.”  That phrase really resonated with me.

 I’m well over 40, and one of the perspectives age brings is the ability to look back and see how our behavior has created consequences that we didn’t anticipate. 

I wasted...

 The Ambiguous Loss of Singleness

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Recently, my dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine - the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family, proposes that one of the difficulties singles face is the ambiguous loss that comes from grieving the spouse they don’t have while still hoping they will marry.

Grief and loss are more clearly understood if your married and your partner dies or leaves.  But, the complex grief singles experience that comes from not having found the relationship they desire or the fear that it will never happen.

The article states that for Christians, relying on God’s faithfulness eases the pain, but my experience has been that believing God is “keeping me single for a greater purpose” is far from comforting!

For singles who...

Free Your Friends By Detaching

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I think we’ve all had the experience of the friend who gets a new man, then you don’t hear from her unless he’s out of town or they break up.

If you’re like most of us, maybe you’ve been that friend!  In my younger days, I would ditch a friend to accept a last-minute date with a guy.  Or, I’d go on a date even if I was sick with a terrible cold, but cancel on a girlfriend because I was tired or just “didn’t feel like” going.

It is completely natural to want to spend every possible moment with your Mr. Right.  It’s easy to let your friendships slip away and just focus in on your beloved.  Part of that is how we’re wired as women, but we also need our girlfriends!  And not just the ones we double date with!

What if you and your beloved break up?  Many times, the couple you hung out with feel like they have to choose...

Does It Even Matter Anymore?

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

When I’m teaching my college students about business ethics, we cover the topic of “situational ethics.”  

Situational ethics are values that change with the circumstances.  For example, you may say it’s wrong to commit adultery, but it’s okay if the partners don’t love each other and are “only staying together legally for the children.”

As single women, it can be frustrating when we see others doing “the wrong thing” but getting rewarded.  

I don’t date married men, but I’ve known plenty of women who do and whose lovers left their wives!

It’s not only in dating.  Maybe there’s that coworker who cuts corners and is dishonest, but she gets a promotion.  Or your child loses a spot on the cheerleading team because the daughter of the coach’s best friend tried out. - your kid was clearly superior, but she lost...

If you’re looking for a dating Tudor, she’s the best!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

 It started with Netflix’s “The Crown.”

 Then it was “Victoria” on Amazon Prime.

 Then it was every movie or miniseries on Queen Elizabeth I that I could find.

 Now I’ve moved on to the English-subtitled Russian TV production of “Ekaterina” (about Catherine the Great).

I’m not sure why I’ve become enamored of history’s great queens, but I suspect it’s because they had to use their wits and charm to survive and maintain control.  In a time when courtiers jockeyed for status and many men believed women were not fit to reign, ruling queens had to be twice as adept at maneuvering than their male counterparts.

I especially admire Queen Elizabeth I, who reigned from 1558-1603.  Sometimes called, “The Virgin Queen,” she never married and she never had children.  She had many...

How to Move On and Get Different Results in Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Regret.  We all have at least one relationship we look back on and wish we’d done things differently.  Or wish things had been different.  Or wonder what we could have done or not done to cause things to turn out differently.

Sometimes, that regret is hard to shake because we keep repeating our mistakes.  We start to feel like it’s just the same heartache over and over.  Actually, that’s valid.  Sometimes we truly are experiencing the same heartache, just with different people, because we are doing the same things over and over.

One of the best ways I have learned to make peace with the past is to use a tool from Alcoholics Anonymous: the Fourth Step.  In the Fourth Step, the alcoholic makes a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of herself.  This is where you write down everyone you’re resentful towards, why you are resentful,...

You're Not Alone!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A. 

I am in several Facebook groups for single women.  This morning, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling with singleness.  She’s tired of going everywhere alone.  It seems like all of her friends and family members are coupled.  She dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate to how she’s feeling.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time and who have made peace with it still struggle with feelings of sadness.

I spent a lot of years feeling sad, left out, and left behind.  Even though 95% of the time NOW I am at peace with singleness, I still have hours (and days) where I feel sad because I would prefer to be married and have a family.  I feel lonely, and I grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me sometimes have the impression that I prefer singleness. ...

How to Tell if You're a Giver or a Manipulator

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Well, it’s almost Thanksgiving again!  We hear a lot in November about being grateful – and that’s important.  But, the second part of the word is “giving.”

As singles, we bemoan the fact that we “have so much to give,” only nobody to give to. 

However, I find many times that we aren’t so interested in giving freely – we are more interested in giving to get. 

The relationship is less of an offering plate and more like an emotional vending machine.  I give A, B, and C, and I get back X, Y, and Z.  

I give my time, energy, and attention, and I get back love, security, and hope for a future.  But, when we’re giving to get, we’re not really giving…we’re manipulating.  Ouch.

If you’ve ever found yourself recounting all you’ve done for someone, you are keeping score.  If...

Don't Waste This Time in Your Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I’m writing this after having spent the weekend sick.  Confined to my couch with a box of tissues and lacking the energy to do anything but whimper, I spent three days watching my to-do list grow longer and more intimidating.

One of the things I hate about being sick is that I enjoy being productive.  I get a lot of pleasure and purpose from checking things off my list of tasks and having results to show for my time.  Because I lacked the ability to do much of anything, I was becoming anxious about the amount of work that I knew I would need to catch up on once I felt better.

Knowing I was facing several days of being down, I decided that I didn’t want to waste this crisis.  That’s not an original thought: I heard “don’t waste a crisis” somewhere.  I also remembered the words of one of my favorite authors and teachers, Iyanla Vanzant, who, when...