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Sounds Like Work (And It Feels Like Work)

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

If you’ve read anything about dating, you may have heard the term “duty dating.”  This phrase was coined by Dr. Pat Allen, and the idea is that you go on dates with several men - even if you’re not necessarily interested in them.

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger has a similar approach: a pair and a spare.  Two guys you really like, and one that you think is nice, but may not really be Mr. Right.

The reason to duty date is that it keeps you “out there,” not getting hung up on one guy.  It allows you to “practice” dating and to keep meeting men because you never know when you’ll meet The One.

Many times, women take themselves off the market when they meet someone they like, but then when it doesn’t work out, they have wasted time and energy and feel more hurt because he was the focus of their...

Yes, There is Such a Thing as Being Too Nice

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I thought I was been nice.  Accommodating. Flexible.

Turns out, I was being a doormat.

Most people wouldn’t think of me as a “doormat” type of girl.  I’m confident, I’m sassy, and I have informed opinions.

I also don’t want people to be mad at me, and therefore I tend to prioritize the happiness of others over my own.

I didn’t want to be perceived as “difficult” or “high maintenance,” lest a man not want to be bothered with my needs or desires.

I was dating someone once who was an avid deer hunter.  It was deer season, and we had a dinner date scheduled for 6:30pm.  He texted that he needed to move it to 7 - he was going hunting.  Then, 7:30 - he was still in the deer stand.  Finally, at 8:30, he arrived to pick me up.

I like to eat dinner early.  I’ve never been a fan of 9pm dinners.

Did I say...

Be the director, not the starving artist!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

A popular technique used by PUA’s (pick up artists, if you’re not familiar with the term) is to “neg” women.  This is where they give you a backhanded compliment (“You’re pretty, for a redhead.”) or they express “concerns” about dating you.  (“I’ve heard you’re a Dragon Lady and I don’t want to get hurt.”) 

These tactics are designed to get a woman to work hard to gain the guy’s approval or to show him she’s not what he’s accusing her of.  

One guy told me he was concerned about us dating because I have a Master’s degree and he “mopped floors in college.”  (By the way, like most college students, I worked a variety of low-paying, menial jobs, too!). This caused me to launch into sales mode to convince him we had a lot in common.

Another time, he said...

Or, at Least Have Some Standards

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Most of us think we’re pretty special and unique.  While it’s good to have that view of ourselves, many times we seem pretty “basic” to men.  “Basic” means, not special or unique - just like every other woman.  Easy to anticipate our reactions.

While we may declare with confidence that we won’t do this or tolerate that, we frequently walk back those statements when it’s a man (or a job or a situation) we really want.

Maybe the key isn’t only in raising standards, perhaps it’s also in maintaining them.

Women are afraid that if our standards are high, men will label us as “high maintenance” or “difficult.”  Will you be more difficult than a basic chick?  Yes.  But, alpha males enjoy a challenge.  It’s been my experience that the only guys who complain about high standards are the ones who...

 And That’s a GOOD Thing!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Author Alison Armstrong says one of the biggest problems men and women have is that men see women as overly emotional men, and women see men as big, hairy women.

We’re in a culture that tells us that men and women are interchangeable.  While I’m all about equal opportunity and equitable pay, men and women are NOT the same!  Besides the biological differences, there are psychological differences that are hard-wired into our physiology.  Understanding these differences will help you in all of your relationships with the men in your life.

Women feel good when we connect; men feel good when they fix things.

As women, we feel better when we talk things out.  Sometimes we call this “venting.”  We don’t analyze to arrive at a solution, we analyze to feel better in the process of the analysis.

For men, the purpose of analysis is to arrive at a solution. ...

How to Save Yourself From the Terror of Singleness

by Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the popular sayings we hear as singles is, “There’s someone for everyone.” 

Another favorite: “Every pot has a lid.” 

If you’re in the Christian community, people will quote Psalm 37:4: “If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

We wander through our singleness, wanting a relationship, always waiting for that one person who will “complete” us.  Thanks, Jerry Maguire.

What if there ISN’T someone for everyone?  What if your pot doesn’t have a lid? 

What if God never gives you the desires of your heart?

One of my girlfriends always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  She is a dutiful daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend.  She nursed her father through his cancer, and has taken care...

One Foot In Hope, The Other in Despair

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Recently, my dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine - the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family, proposes that one of the difficulties singles face is the ambiguous loss that comes from grieving the spouse they don’t have while still hoping they will marry.

Grief and loss are more clearly understood if your married and your partner dies or leaves.  But, the complex grief singles experience that comes from not having found the relationship they desire or the fear that it will never happen.

The article states that for Christians, relying on God’s faithfulness eases the pain, but my experience has been that believing God is “keeping me single for a greater purpose” is far from comforting!

...

But This Only Matters If You Want a Man!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

A friend of mine in one of my online dating groups was lamenting her poor luck with online dating.  She is 55 and hasn’t been asked out on any dates at all.

After looking at her profile photo, a few of us commented that her short, grey hair, glasses, and no makeup is probably keeping her dateless.  Her response to this was that she probably just needed to give up on love and get used to being alone.

Hold it!

Whether or not we like this, it is a biological fact (and a truth of evolutionary psychology) that men value youth and beauty.  It has to do with a man’s DNA knowing that a young, attractive woman has a better chance of having many healthy children.  Even men who have had vasectomies value youth and beauty.  Even gay men value youth and “beauty”in other men.

In the same way that women are programmed to value resources and provision in a man, men value youth...

If You’re a Successful Woman, You May Be More Masculine Than You Think

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Most of the women I know want an alpha male.  Sadly, if you’re a successful, single woman, much of your success is probably due to you being an alpha female at work.

This is why Dr. Pat Allen says, “You can’t get laid and paid.”  Meaning, the skills that get you paid are the same skills that WON’T net you a relationship.

Dr. Allen says you can’t have two feminine energies in a relationship, and you cannot have two masculine energies.  This isn’t about gender.  If you have an alpha female, a beta male is the counterpart.  For an alpha male, a beta female is the best match.

Almost all of us are in our masculine energy at work.  How can you tell?  Masculine energy is giving, driving, accomplishing.  Feminine energy is receptive, creative, and open.  Masculine is doing; feminine is being.

...

You're the Prize -  Start Acting Like It!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I recently heard Steve Harvey tell a woman, “Quit acting like he’s the prize!  YOU’RE the prize!”

She was trying to figure out how to get this man to want her, and Steve said, “Ladies - y’all need to quit acting like men are the prize.  YOU are the prize!”

That really hit me.

In this demographic, there are more single, professional women than single, professional men. 

Women all over the country complain about the dearth of good men. In this setting, it’s easy for women to get into the mindset that we need to “find a good man.”  We say our girlfriend is “lucky she found such a great guy.” 

We’re willing to negotiate and settle for less than we truly want because we’re afraid something better may never come along.

We put up with men who are disrespectful; men who won’t commit; men who...