The Thoughts That Kept Me Stuck in Singleness — And What Finally Brought Me Peace

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

For many years, I believed my singleness was beyond my control.

Maybe God was “keeping” me single for some mysterious reason.
Maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t see — and couldn’t fix.
Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I see my story differently.

I now believe my singleness has been shaped, at least in part, by my own beliefs and behaviors. Not because I failed — but because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

And once I was willing to look honestly at my thinking, everything began to change.

The patterns I couldn’t see

With age comes perspective. Looking back, I can see how some of my choices created consequences I never intended.

I spent years in relationships with men who told me early on they didn’t want to get married. And I stayed.

Not because I hoped they would change — but because I hoped I could convince myself to be okay with dating without a future.

But I wasn’t okay.

And an unhappy woman doesn’t create the foundation for a healthy relationship.

Because I believed my singleness was out of my control, I didn’t realize I had the power to change my patterns.

Once I accepted personal responsibility — not as blame, but as empowerment — I began to see that I wasn’t trapped. I was simply repeating beliefs that weren’t serving me.

When you don’t believe you deserve more

I wasn’t honest about what I wanted.

I wanted a relationship, but I wasn’t clear about the kind of relationship I wanted. I made excuses. I settled. I tolerated behavior that didn’t align with my values.

When you accept behavior, people assume it’s okay. And they continue.

I believed that a mediocre relationship was better than being alone. I told myself maybe things would improve.

They never did.

I was afraid to speak up. Afraid to set boundaries. Afraid that if I asked for what I needed, he would leave.

So I stayed quiet.

And in doing so, I stayed stuck.

The belief that something was wrong with me

For a long time, I carried a core belief that there must be something wrong with me.

I wasn’t pretty enough. Thin enough. Blonde enough. Interesting enough.

That belief shaped everything.

When you believe you are the problem, you either spend your life trying to fix yourself — or trying to prove you’re good enough.

I did both.

I overachieved. I overfunctioned. I stayed strong and independent. I rarely showed vulnerability.

And without realizing it, I built emotional walls that made real connection difficult.

The happiness trap

I also believed I couldn’t be happy alone.

Wanting marriage and family is natural. God designed us for relationship. But because I believed happiness would only come once I was married, I never fully allowed myself to enjoy my life.

I was successful. Busy. Driven.

But I wasn’t peaceful.

I was anxious.
I was afraid of ending up alone.
I was confused about why things never worked out.

And people can feel that energy.

What changed

Today, I understand my patterns. I know what I did that kept me stuck. And I know what I would do differently now.

Have I found my Boaz?

Not yet.

But something far more important has happened:
I have peace.

Singleness no longer feels like a burden I carry everywhere I go. I no longer feel like life is passing me by.

I have built a full, meaningful, joyful life — even while still desiring a relationship.

And to me, that is a One-Derful Life.

Not happy because I’m single.
But happy while I’m single.

Free Teaching: 

If loneliness is heavy in your heart — especially in a season of unwanted singleness — I created a calm, faith-centered teaching for you.

👉 Get “Overcoming Loneliness” here: 

🔗 Overcoming Loneliness

Reflection

What beliefs have shaped your view of singleness?