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And a Better Way to See Things

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you ever wondered what was wrong with you that you were still single?

I spent a lot of years and money trying to figure out why I could never have a successful relationship. 

I would start therapy sessions with a new counselor with the instruction that we needed to determine what was wrong with me and fix it so I could get married.

I read every relationship book, listened to every dating podcast, tried every self-improvement hack.  I wondered if I was not thin enough, not pretty enough, not elusive enough, too elusive.

When I was 40, I considered that maybe something was just wrong with me - like the wiring in my brain must be deeply flawed.  So flawed that nobody could figure it out, but clearly there was something wrong with me that was the cause of my singleness. 

It wasn’t visible: I have a good figure, I keep myself up, I look way younger than my actual age.  I’m successful, I’m fin...

It’s Good to Want a Relationship

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness

Shouldn’t I Be OK With Being Single?

Our culture often tells women that we shouldn’t need anyone.
That independence is the ultimate goal.
That wanting a relationship means we’re weak, needy, or clinging to a fairy tale.

So if you feel a deep desire for love, partnership, and family, you may quietly wonder if something is wrong with you.

I used to tell people, “I don’t need a man.”

But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true.

I wanted a relationship. I wanted marriage. I wanted family. And for a long time, I felt embarrassed to admit that. It sounded old-fashioned. Unmodern. Unempowered.

Yet Scripture tells a different story.

God created us for relationship. He created Eve with a desire for her husband. Wanting love, companionship, and family is not weakness — it’s part of how God designed us.

And yet, many of us are over 40 and still single.

So we walk around feelin...

 How to Find Peace in the Uncertainty of Singleness

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness 

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the most common things we hear as single women is,
“There’s someone for everyone.”

Another favorite:
“Every pot has a lid.”

And as Christians, we often quote Psalm 37:4:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

So we walk through our singleness waiting for the person who will finally “complete” us.
(Thanks, Jerry Maguire.)

But what if there isn’t someone for everyone?
What if your pot doesn’t have a lid?
What if God never gives you the desire of your heart?

These are the questions most women are afraid to say out loud.

The grief no one talks about

One of my closest friends has always wanted to be a wife and a mother. She is a devoted daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend. She cared for her father through cancer. She has walked with her mother through gri...

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That Don’t Involve Snarkiness or Social Media

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

“Men come and go, but your friends are forever.”  This is B.S.

I used to believe this.  Early on, I’d had the experience where I chose a man over my friends, and - as we all know - when the relationship ended, I had no gal pals to comfort or support me.

The older I’ve gotten, I’ve kept my girlfriends close and always made time for them. 

One of my friends and I had a standing Friday night “date.”  We’d go do a kickboxing workout, then get smoothies. 

I was dating someone very seriously, and whenever he’d ask for Friday night, I told him I had plans. 

In a year, I canceled on my friend 4 times because of out-of-town trips with him or some special event.

When she would latch on to a new guy, she’d ditch me and I wouldn’t hear from her for weeks. 

Once, when she was really caught up with a new squeeze (a one-night stand that she thought was Mr. Right), I had to call and ask her if...

Learn to Receive!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of the mistakes I’ve made in past dating relationships has been giving too much. 

Marianne Williamson says, quoting A Course in Miracles, “Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.”

I took that to mean that if I wanted a man to compliment me, I should compliment him.  If I wanted a man to be generous with me, I should be generous with him.  If I wanted a man to feel cared for, I should do things for him to make his life easier.

This was a complete misunderstanding of what Ms. Williamson was saying.

While it’s true that women are nurturers, in a male-female relationship, it’s the man who gives.  Think about sex: the man “gives,” and the woman “receives.”

The same is true outside the bedroom.

When women initiate the giving, or give more than the man gives, that is masculine behavior. 

Dr. Pat Allen says you can’t have 2 feminine energies or 2 masculine energies in a relationship.  Even in gay relationships, ...

It Doesn’t Have to Be Difficult

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

If you've ever been through a painful breakup, you know the only thing worse is a LONG, painful breakup.

Please note: In this article I am NOT talking about divorce.  I have never been married; thus, I have never gone through a divorce.  This article is about breaking up with someone you have been dating.

Not as painful as a divorce is ending a relationship with someone you live with.

I was in a relationship a long time ago, and we lived together.  The breakup was very painful and stressful.

Today, I would never live with a man until we’re married.  That is not a moral judgment - it’s just that my desire is to be married, and extramarital cohabitation has been shown to make men LESS likely to marry you!

But what about relationships where you’re not married and not living together?

We all struggle with ending things - whether it’s been one date or one decade.

Recently, I asked a friend how her college-age daughter ...

Too many duds, and not enough studs!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

The most recent statistic in the United States is that approximately 1/3 of couples who marry meet on an online dating site.  And, I agree that some people do have successful outcomes from dating online.  What we don’t know is the percentage of online matches that result in marriage - I am confident that number is well below 30%.

I do believe that online dating has some benefits.

First, online dating is representative of offline dating - there are good guys and not-so-good guys no matter where you go.

Second, online dating allows you to get out of your normal routine.  If you go from work to gym to home to church, you’re not necessarily going to meet new people.  Online dating creates the opportunity to meet people you would otherwise never cross paths with.

Third, online dating can allow you to meet people in other locations.  If you’re comfortable with long-distance relationships, you can date someone who live...

Why you need to do a background check

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Whirlwind courtships seem so romantic!

Remember when Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson were engaged, living together, buying pets, and getting tattoos?  Before we knew it, it was over.

I’ve fallen for the whirlwind romance, and it has ALWAYS ended in heartbreak.

I love how women (and men) suddenly develop ESP when dating: “You just KNOW when it’s right.”  How about just KNOWING the right lottery numbers?  Or just KNOWING your boss is about to reprimand you?

One of my girlfriends was shocked to find out her husband had a criminal record (a serious, felony record).  They married after dating for 3 months, and she was gobsmacked that he hadn’t disclosed this.

Many times, men who want to rush things are doing so because they are racing against the clock.  They want you legally committed to them before you find out who they really are.  By the way - I found his criminal record with ONE Google search (sadly, I didn’t kno...

Stop Settling for Less than Marriage

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Why are we so shocked?

Recently, there was a news item where a reality star’s baby-daddy cheated on her with one of her friends.  Sadly, this was the second time he’d done it; the first was while the starlet was pregnant with his child. 

As women, we find this behavior shocking and deplorable.

But, if a man isn’t committed enough to you to marry you, he’s not going to be committed enough to stay faithful.  Whether or not you have a baby with him is irrelevant.

“Married men cheat, too,” you may be saying.  Yes - but it’s more likely that they were committed to their wife at some point (unless he married her for reasons other than wanting to be with her for the rest of his life).

Another reality star had 3 children with her longtime boyfriend.  They were on-again-off-again, and she was chronically unhappy with his drinking and partying.  He took very little interest in being a responsible parent or partner.  He star...

The Emotional High that Will Bring You Down

Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Isn’t it amazing how women suddenly develop ESP when they meet a new guy?  

Suddenly, they just “know” he’s “The One.”  Your perfectly rational, intelligent friend gets married to a man she’s known for 3 months because, as she puts it, “When you know, you know.”

But, what do you really “know” after only a few months?  This “knowing” is based on strong feelings.  The problem with strong feelings is that they feel real, but that doesn’t make them true.

There is an overwhelming amount of scientific evidence about how new love (infatuation) affects the brain.  Similar to cocaine, the emotional high of a new romance triggers dopamine - the “feel good” hormone that makes us super-energized and leaves us feeling like we can conquer the world on only four hours of sleep.  Everything seems more colorful, and we feel more “alive,” which helps us believe our new man has brought meaning into our lives.

Add to that the oxy...