Why High Standards Protect a Tender Heart
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.
Just because a man shows up doesn’t mean he’s supposed to be in your life.
One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach. I tried to get a couple of girlfriends to go with me, but no one was available — so I went by myself.
During the second half of the game, a friend stopped by and asked if I was dating anyone. When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.
Fast forward a few weeks, and I was sitting across the table from that brother on a dinner date.
He was charming. Funny. Shared my faith. He had two kids, seemed stable — and yes, he was super cute. I really liked him.
I remember thinking, Wow… good thing I went to that game alone.
If I’d been with friends, this never would’ve happened.
It felt like proof that patience and positivity had finally paid off.
Maybe the universe was rewarding me. Maybe this was meant to be.
We went on a couple of dates — and then things started to unravel.
On our second date, he spent a significant amount of time grieving his “model” ex-girlfriend (red flag). Soon after, he began flaking on plans. Then… silence.
Months later, my friend mentioned that he was sorry it hadn’t worked out. I told him I was confused but assumed maybe his brother had gone back to the model.
My friend was stunned.
According to his brother, we had mutually decided it wasn’t a fit.
And the “model”? She was a stripper.
Also — and this part matters — he was now in rehab for prescription drug addiction.
So no, this man was not a gift from the universe.
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason.
I do believe we can get something from anything — if we’re willing to reflect, learn, and grow.
But there wasn’t some cosmic agenda here. What was happening was familiar: I assumed that what showed up must be what I was supposed to accept.
I’ve done that more times than I care to admit.
I told myself stories like:
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Maybe God is teaching me not to care so much about a man’s job.
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Maybe I’m being too picky.
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Maybe wanting basic stability means I’m demanding.
So I spent years dating men who didn’t meet my actual standards:
emotionally available, gainfully employed, kind, respectful, and aligned with my values and goals.
And here’s what I learned.
Why Settling Will Keep You Stuck
1. You’ll feel resentful
I once dated a man who had declared personal bankruptcy twice.
His lack of financial stability concerned me — but my friends insisted I was focusing on the wrong thing. Love is what matters, they said. He loves you.
Looking back, I think he loved my bank account.
I remember sitting at dinner with a girlfriend as she talked about her successful boyfriend — lounging by his pool, planning an exotic vacation. I felt embarrassed. I hoped she wouldn’t ask how things were going for me.
When you settle, resentment creeps in quietly.
You resent him for not being what you want.
And you resent yourself for betraying your own standards.
2. You’ll start playing small
Another time, I dated a kind, loving man who — once again — was financially struggling.
One evening, I invited him to the symphony. He said yes. Immediately, I began worrying about the ticket price.
Not because I couldn’t afford it — but because he might not be able to.
I found myself editing my desires, shrinking my life, and avoiding experiences I loved so I wouldn’t make him uncomfortable.
That’s not partnership. That’s self-erasure.
3. You won’t get what you actually need
And settling isn’t only about money.
One thing that matters deeply to me is verbal affirmation. I don’t need grand gestures — but I do need to know the man I’m with finds me attractive and desirable.
I’ve dated men who never offered compliments, and I told myself:
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I shouldn’t be so needy.
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He just expresses love differently.
But the truth is, compliments matter to me.
And pretending they didn’t only created quiet longing and frustration.
Resentment, worry, and lack are not the emotional states that support a healthy relationship.
More than anything, I want peace and happiness.
I have that now — not because I’m single, but while I’m single.
That’s what I call a One-Derful Life:
being honest about what you want, honoring your tender heart, and refusing to abandon yourself in the process.
Free Teaching:
If loneliness is heavy in your heart — especially in a season of unwanted singleness — I created a calm, faith-centered teaching for you.
👉 Get “Overcoming Loneliness” here:
Question:
Where do you notice yourself settling — and what might change if you didn’t?
