Understanding the Ambiguous Loss of Singleness

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

My dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine, the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer — a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family — describes one of the unique emotional challenges many singles face: what she calls ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss is the grief that comes from longing for a spouse you don’t have — while still hoping one day you will.

It is grief without a funeral.
Loss without a moment of closure.
Heartache without a clear ending.

A grief few people recognize

When a married person loses a spouse through death or divorce, their grief is visible and widely understood.

But the grief of singleness is quieter.

It is the grief of not having found the relationship you hoped for.
The grief of watching time pass.
T...

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

I’m part of several Facebook groups for single women. Recently, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling deeply with singleness. She’s tired of going everywhere alone. It feels like everyone around her is coupled. And she dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time — and who have made peace with it — still have days when sadness creeps in.

I spent many years feeling left out and left behind. And even now, when 95% of the time I genuinely feel peaceful about my life, I still have moments — sometimes hours or even days — when I feel sad. I would still prefer to be married and have a family. I still feel lonely sometimes. And I still grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me well sometimes assume I prefer singleness. And while I’ve learned to li...

It’s Good to Want a Relationship

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness

Shouldn’t I Be OK With Being Single?

Our culture often tells women that we shouldn’t need anyone.
That independence is the ultimate goal.
That wanting a relationship means we’re weak, needy, or clinging to a fairy tale.

So if you feel a deep desire for love, partnership, and family, you may quietly wonder if something is wrong with you.

I used to tell people, “I don’t need a man.”

But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true.

I wanted a relationship. I wanted marriage. I wanted family. And for a long time, I felt embarrassed to admit that. It sounded old-fashioned. Unmodern. Unempowered.

Yet Scripture tells a different story.

God created us for relationship. He created Eve with a desire for her husband. Wanting love, companionship, and family is not weakness — it’s part of how God designed us.

And yet, many of us are over 40 and still single.

So we walk around feelin...

 How to Find Peace in the Uncertainty of Singleness

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness 

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the most common things we hear as single women is,
“There’s someone for everyone.”

Another favorite:
“Every pot has a lid.”

And as Christians, we often quote Psalm 37:4:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

So we walk through our singleness waiting for the person who will finally “complete” us.
(Thanks, Jerry Maguire.)

But what if there isn’t someone for everyone?
What if your pot doesn’t have a lid?
What if God never gives you the desire of your heart?

These are the questions most women are afraid to say out loud.

The grief no one talks about

One of my closest friends has always wanted to be a wife and a mother. She is a devoted daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend. She cared for her father through cancer. She has walked with her mother through gri...

Sometimes It’s Better to be Alone!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I love New Year’s!  Even though the holiday season is not my favorite time of year, I absolutely love the New Year.  I’m a planner and a goal-setter, so the idea of a fresh start and the opportunity to dream and plan for the next 12 months is very exciting to me.

I’ve had wonderful dates, romantic interludes, and disasters on New Year’s Eve. 

My worst New Year’s Eve was my first holiday with the man I was deeply in love with and hoped to marry. 

We traveled to Charleston, South Carolina with his best friend and the friend’s date. 

My guy and his friend spent most of New Year’s Eve day drinking, so by the time we found a bar to watch the big game in, they were both very drunk. 

And my guy about got us kicked out twice because he was so obnoxious: screaming and cursing and even yelling at his friend. 

When the game ended (and we were “asked” to leave), we went to one of my favorite spots for a late dessert.  This is...

How to Tell if You're a Giver or a Manipulator

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Well, it’s almost Thanksgiving again!  We hear a lot in November about being grateful – and that’s important.  But, the second part of the word is “giving.”

As singles, we bemoan the fact that we “have so much to give,” only nobody to give to. 

However, I find many times that we aren’t so interested in giving freely – we are more interested in giving to get. 

The relationship is less of an offering plate and more like an emotional vending machine.  I give A, B, and C, and I get back X, Y, and Z.  

I give my time, energy, and attention, and I get back love, security, and hope for a future.  But, when we’re giving to get, we’re not really giving…we’re manipulating.  Ouch.

If you’ve ever found yourself recounting all you’ve done for someone, you are keeping score.  If you give a gift and then get offended because the receiver didn’t write you a thank-you note, you’re not giving out of love. 

If you are beh...

Be the director, not the starving artist!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

A popular technique used by PUA’s (pick up artists, if you’re not familiar with the term) is to “neg” women.  This is where they give you a backhanded compliment (“You’re pretty, for a redhead.”) or they express “concerns” about dating you.  (“I’ve heard you’re a Dragon Lady and I don’t want to get hurt.”) 

These tactics are designed to get a woman to work hard to gain the guy’s approval or to show him she’s not what he’s accusing her of.  

One guy told me he was concerned about us dating because I have a Master’s degree and he “mopped floors in college.”  (By the way, like most college students, I worked a variety of low-paying, menial jobs, too!). This caused me to launch into sales mode to convince him we had a lot in common.

Another time, he said he didn’t know if I would want to hang out with him and his friends because I don’t drink.  Again, this caused me to launch into how I have many friends who ...

You're Not Alone!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A. 

I am in several Facebook groups for single women.  This morning, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling with singleness.  She’s tired of going everywhere alone.  It seems like all of her friends and family members are coupled.  She dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate to how she’s feeling.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time and who have made peace with it still struggle with feelings of sadness.

I spent a lot of years feeling sad, left out, and left behind.  Even though 95% of the time NOW I am at peace with singleness, I still have hours (and days) where I feel sad because I would prefer to be married and have a family.  I feel lonely, and I grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me sometimes have the impression that I prefer singleness.  And, in fairness - I had to get to a place of peace before...

And How You Can Have Peace

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe that my singleness was beyond my control.  Perhaps I was “meant” to be single for some cosmic reason.  Or, there was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t identify (and couldn’t fix).  Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I believe my singleness is an outcome of my own beliefs and behaviors.  Because I had beliefs about being single that didn’t serve me, I behaved in ways that were guaranteed to keep me single (even though I didn’t recognize that at the time). 

A Course in Miracles says that, “The ego’s dictate in love is to be always seeking, but never finding.”  That phrase really resonated with me.

 I’m well over 40, and one of the perspectives age brings is the ability to look back and see how our behavior has created consequences that we didn’t anticipate. 

I wasted years in relationships with men who told me early on they didn’t want to get married.  I stayed in the relationship.  Not because I ho...

Your Singleness ISN'T Divine Punishment!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe God was punishing me with singleness.  Or, at least, that I just hadn’t gotten good enough to “earn” a man.

If you grew up in church, you’ve probably heard of Psalm 37:4 - “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I took this to mean that if I didn’t have the desire of my heart (i.e., marriage and family), I must not be pleasing God. 

When you think God is mad at you, you’ll start jumping through hoops to be good enough.  And the major problem with this is that when you think God is mad at you, you cannot have peace.

I read one story about King David (who wrote Psalm 37) .  His heart’s desire was to build a new temple for God. 

But, God told David that He would not accept a temple built by David because there was too much blood on David’s hands. 

Unable to build a temple to his God, David set about storing up treasure for his son, Solomon, to build the...