You May Be Giving Too Much: Learning to Receive in Relationships

One of the most common mistakes I’ve made in dating relationships is giving too much.

For a long time, I believed that if I simply modeled the behavior I wanted, a man would naturally follow suit. If I wanted him to compliment me, I would compliment him. If I wanted him to be generous, I would be generous first. If I wanted him to feel cared for, I would go out of my way to make his life easier.

I even justified this approach spiritually.

Marianne Williamson, quoting A Course in Miracles, says, “Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.” I took that to mean that if something was missing, it was my job to give more.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had misunderstood the message entirely.

While women are naturally nurturing, healthy romantic relationships thrive on polarity. In a male–female dynamic, the masculine energy leads through giving, and the feminine energy receives. Think about intimacy: the man gives; the woman receives. That dynamic doesn’t end outside the bedroom.

When women consistently initiate the giving—or give more than a man does—we unintentionally step into masculine energy. And when both people occupy the same energetic role, attraction and harmony begin to erode.

Relationship expert Dr. Pat Allen teaches that relationships require polarity. Even in same-sex relationships, one partner naturally embodies more masculine energy while the other holds more feminine energy. Two people trying to lead in the same way creates tension, not connection.

If you want a masculine man, you can’t do his job for him.

I’ve learned that when I want a man to step up, the most powerful thing I can do is step back.

Men don’t want to compete with women they love. If a man feels like he’s being outpaced or replaced, he’ll either retreat into passivity—or remove himself altogether.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give. It means your giving should come in response to his.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

Years ago, I went on a date with a man who had pursued me for a long time. I’d never been interested, but one unexpected encounter sparked something. It was the holiday season, and I gave him a gift.

He hadn’t brought one for me—and he looked uncomfortable receiving mine. We never went out again.

At the time, I was confused. Later, I understood.

By giving first, I removed the space for him to pursue. I unintentionally short-circuited the natural dynamic of interest and effort.

Men want to feel appreciated—not reimbursed.

Thank him when he pays for dinner. Don’t cook a meal to “even the score.” It should be his pleasure to take you out and invest in time with you. When you over-give, you quietly assume the masculine role—and that changes the relationship.

Now, if I buy a gift early on, I keep it tucked away. If he gives me one, I happily reciprocate. If not, I return it or save it. This simple shift changed everything.

What men truly want isn’t cookies, greeting cards, or elaborate gestures. They want respect, appreciation, and trust—things that must be earned, not rushed.

And if he isn’t giving at all—emotionally, practically, or relationally—that’s important information. It isn’t your job to compensate for his lack of effort.

When I finally got honest with myself, I realized that part of my overgiving came from a desire to be chosen. I was trying to buy love with generosity. That never works. And when it does, it usually signals a deeper imbalance.

Today, I no longer try to prove my worth through overgiving. I let men show me who they are. I receive. I respond. And I stay grounded in my standards.

That, to me, is part of living a One-Derful Life—having a tender heart and the confidence to let a man be the man, knowing I’ll be just fine if he isn’t the right one.

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Question: Do you tend to give too much in relationships—and if so, why?