What Gambling Taught Me About Dating

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you ever looked back on something and thought, “I should have known better?”

Most of us have.  So why is it so hard to recognize a potentially damaging situation when you’re in it?

Even if we don’t learn from our own experiences, it would be ideal if we could learn from others’ experiences.  Cautionary tales can spare us a lot of grief, but we frequently believe we are the exception rather than the rule.  

We all know dating a married man is heartache waiting to happen.  But most women who get into that situation will believe that THEY are the exception.  THEY are the one the guy will leave his wife for.  THEY are the one who will get a happy ending.  THEY aren’t being strung along by a man who has zero intention of leaving his marriage.

I have watched several of my girlfriends get involved with men who were separated and in the process...

And How to Make Sure They’re Helping You!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

My greatest heartbreak occurred when the man I’d been dating for a year told me he wasn’t ready for marriage.  I’d met him when he was separated and finalizing his divorce - a scenario that made me nervous, but he seemed like he had completed his emotional business with that failed marriage.  When he told me he didn’t know what he wanted, I said I needed a break.  I figured some time apart would have him ready to get engaged. 

It worked: six months later he was engaged to another woman.  They married shortly thereafter.

I immediately jumped back into online dating.  I met a schoolteacher who was marriage-minded and excited about me.  But something felt “off.”  I uncovered his recent - and disturbing - criminal record, so I ended the relationship.  He proceeded to stalk, harass, and terrify me for months.

Between the...

How to Move On and Get Different Results in Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Regret.  We all have at least one relationship we look back on and wish we’d done things differently.  Or wish things had been different.  Or wonder what we could have done or not done to cause things to turn out differently.

Sometimes, that regret is hard to shake because we keep repeating our mistakes.  We start to feel like it’s just the same heartache over and over.  Actually, that’s valid.  Sometimes we truly are experiencing the same heartache, just with different people, because we are doing the same things over and over.

One of the best ways I have learned to make peace with the past is to use a tool from Alcoholics Anonymous: the Fourth Step.  In the Fourth Step, the alcoholic makes a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of herself.  This is where you write down everyone you’re resentful towards, why you are resentful,...

You're Not Alone!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A. 

I am in several Facebook groups for single women.  This morning, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling with singleness.  She’s tired of going everywhere alone.  It seems like all of her friends and family members are coupled.  She dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate to how she’s feeling.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time and who have made peace with it still struggle with feelings of sadness.

I spent a lot of years feeling sad, left out, and left behind.  Even though 95% of the time NOW I am at peace with singleness, I still have hours (and days) where I feel sad because I would prefer to be married and have a family.  I feel lonely, and I grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me sometimes have the impression that I prefer singleness. ...

How to Tell if You're a Giver or a Manipulator

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Well, it’s almost Thanksgiving again!  We hear a lot in November about being grateful – and that’s important.  But, the second part of the word is “giving.”

As singles, we bemoan the fact that we “have so much to give,” only nobody to give to. 

However, I find many times that we aren’t so interested in giving freely – we are more interested in giving to get. 

The relationship is less of an offering plate and more like an emotional vending machine.  I give A, B, and C, and I get back X, Y, and Z.  

I give my time, energy, and attention, and I get back love, security, and hope for a future.  But, when we’re giving to get, we’re not really giving…we’re manipulating.  Ouch.

If you’ve ever found yourself recounting all you’ve done for someone, you are keeping score.  If...

Don't Waste This Time in Your Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I’m writing this after having spent the weekend sick.  Confined to my couch with a box of tissues and lacking the energy to do anything but whimper, I spent three days watching my to-do list grow longer and more intimidating.

One of the things I hate about being sick is that I enjoy being productive.  I get a lot of pleasure and purpose from checking things off my list of tasks and having results to show for my time.  Because I lacked the ability to do much of anything, I was becoming anxious about the amount of work that I knew I would need to catch up on once I felt better.

Knowing I was facing several days of being down, I decided that I didn’t want to waste this crisis.  That’s not an original thought: I heard “don’t waste a crisis” somewhere.  I also remembered the words of one of my favorite authors and teachers, Iyanla Vanzant, who, when...

How to Quit Being the Basic Groupie

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

In The Rules 2”, the sequel to the best-selling relationship book, The Rules, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider advise the reader not to “Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.”

This sounds like a no-brainer, but a lot of us find ourselves in fantasy relationships all the time.

See if you recognize any of these scenarios:

• The guy at the gym who always runs on the treadmill next to you - even when there are plenty of other ones open.  He compliments you, asks about your life, but never asks you out.  You figure he’s shy, and you’re wondering if you should suggest a post-workout smoothie.
• The guy at work (or school) who always smiles at you, asks how you’re doing, flirts with you, and seems to make up excuses to talk to you.  But, he hasn’t asked for your phone number or suggested going out to dinner.  You think he’s afraid of things “getting...

How You're Keeping Yourself Single and Unhappy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just wanted him to love me.  But he didn’t.

My mother asked me what I wanted in the relationship and all I could come up with was, I want him to love me. 

I had no concept about what I wanted from a relationship or how I wanted to feel in my own life.  I just wanted a man to love me.  I wanted to get married and have a family. 

But I hadn’t clarified what I was willing to accept and unwilling to accept in a man and in a relationship.  It seemed that the only qualification necessary to date me was that a man act like he might eventually love me.  That was enough for me to hang in there.

That’s how I burned up years on relationships where I was devalued, taken for granted, and left feeling like I’d been used.

In one relationship, I tolerated a man going on and on about his ex-girlfriend and thought it was a compliment when he told me he felt like he...

But Only If You want a Good Relationship

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

If you’re single and you’re over 40, you’ve probably been asked if (or told that) you’re too picky.

Like, you shouldn’t have any standards.  After all, you’re over 40 - you need to be more accepting because nobody’s perfect.

I find it interesting that when you go to the grocery store, you examine the produce because you don’t want to pick the tomatoes that are squished, or the apples that are bruised, or the lemons that are mildewy. 

But, God forbid that you have standards for a relationship!

I was dating a guy and learned that he had been divorced 4 times and had declared personal bankruptcy twice.  I told one of my friends I was going to dump him, and her response was that I was too focused on money.

OK - broke in your 20’s, starting out with nothing and building something together is romantic. 

Bankrupt in your 40’s with 4...

And How to Stop Obsessing About It

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you even wondered why “he” chose “her”? 

This wondering may show up in two scenarios:

(a) you wonder why that man (guy you know, celebrity, athlete) chose the woman he’s with; or,

(b) you wonder why the man you wanted (or were with) chose someone else.

Let’s focus on Scenario B today: “your” guy chose her instead of you.

I was dating someone once, and right after we broke up, he started seeing someone who had a less-than-sterling reputation.

To the outsider, it’s clear that his interesting choice had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own character.

But when you’re inside the scenario, it’s normal to wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

I think there are two issues here:

1. He doesn’t want to be with you
2. He does want to be with her

They may be correlated, but not causal.  That’s fancy...