And How You Can Have Peace

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe that my singleness was beyond my control.  Perhaps I was “meant” to be single for some cosmic reason.  Or, there was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t identify (and couldn’t fix).  Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I believe my singleness is an outcome of my own beliefs and behaviors.  Because I had beliefs about being single that didn’t serve me, I behaved in ways that were guaranteed to keep me single (even though I didn’t recognize that at the time). 

A Course in Miracles says that, “The ego’s dictate in love is to be always seeking, but never finding.”  That phrase really resonated with me.

 I’m well over 40, and one of the perspectives age brings is the ability to look back and see how our behavior has created consequences that we didn’t anticipate. 

I wasted years in...

The First Step in Creating a One-Derful Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to feel that my singleness was something that was happening TO me.  Because I disliked being single, it felt like bad luck, or bad karma, or some kind of punishment.

I blamed many things in turn: my parents, my ex-boyfriends, lack of quality men, myself, the Universe.

I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I find a husband?  I only wanted what most women want: a loving marriage and a family of my own.  I didn’t have unrealistically high standards.  (Okay - I had pitifully low standards, but more on that another time.)

With every failed relationship I felt more and more like a victim of some cosmic prank.

I think we can all look at something in our past that messed us up.  Perhaps it was a person or situation from our childhood.  Maybe it was in our formative adolescent years.  Possibly even in adulthood.

One of the most...

How to Recover Your Confidence and Self-Respect

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Click here to read Part 1.

The only thing worse than the pain of rejection is looking back on the rejection and realizing you torpedoed your self-esteem, dignity, and any chance you had at making him realize you are a high-value woman.  

If you adopt these strategies, you will increase your confidence, your self-respect, and your value in your own eyes (and therefore everyone else’s).

If you're in need of emotional first aid, look at this.

Given that you’re hurting, you MUST follow this plan.  You won’t FEEL like it, but trust me - you’ll be glad you did.

Cut off communication.  He’s probably used to you being at his beck and call. He also thinks that if he graces you with a phone call, a social media post, or a text, you’ll immediately answer. 

But think about it: if you got fired from your job, would you continue to spend money at the...

How to Recover Your Confidence and Self-Respect

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I was deeply in love with David.  A mutual friend had set us up, and though we’d only dated for 4 months, he had flown me to his hometown to meet his parents, had declared his love for me, and had swept me off my feet.  Still, I developed a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right.

One Friday evening, I planned to go to his house where I would spend the weekend - that was our typical routine.  We would go to dinner and then enjoy the weekend together.  He asked me to eat a snack before I came over because he wanted to talk to me.  Uh oh - the dreaded “We need to talk.”  And, eat a snack?

I still packed my weekend bag and made sure I looked cute.  He sat me down on the couch, and our conversation went like this:

David:  How do you feel about me?

Me:  I’m totally in love with you.

David:  I feel the...

How to Quit Being the Basic Groupie

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

In The Rules 2”, the sequel to the best-selling relationship book, The Rules, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider advise the reader not to “Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.”

This sounds like a no-brainer, but a lot of us find ourselves in fantasy relationships all the time.

See if you recognize any of these scenarios:

• The guy at the gym who always runs on the treadmill next to you - even when there are plenty of other ones open.  He compliments you, asks about your life, but never asks you out.  You figure he’s shy, and you’re wondering if you should suggest a post-workout smoothie.
• The guy at work (or school) who always smiles at you, asks how you’re doing, flirts with you, and seems to make up excuses to talk to you.  But, he hasn’t asked for your phone number or suggested going out to dinner.  You think he’s...

How You're Keeping Yourself Single and Unhappy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just wanted him to love me.  But he didn’t.

My mother asked me what I wanted in the relationship and all I could come up with was, I want him to love me. 

I had no concept about what I wanted from a relationship or how I wanted to feel in my own life.  I just wanted a man to love me.  I wanted to get married and have a family. 

But I hadn’t clarified what I was willing to accept and unwilling to accept in a man and in a relationship.  It seemed that the only qualification necessary to date me was that a man act like he might eventually love me.  That was enough for me to hang in there.

That’s how I burned up years on relationships where I was devalued, taken for granted, and left feeling like I’d been used.

In one relationship, I tolerated a man going on and on about his ex-girlfriend and thought it was a compliment when he told me he felt like...

And 2 Quick Fixes that Will Save You Time and Heartache

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Do you ever feel like you’re in a dating-version of the movie “Groundhog Day?” 

You keep having the same experience: you meet a guy, think it’s good (or could be good), then things don’t work out.  And you’re back to square one.

It’s easy to believe that there just aren’t any quality men out there, or that your “picker’s broke,” or that there’s just something wrong with you because you “keep attracting these guys.”

While it’s true that there are fewer “high-value” men over 40 than there are women, the problem may be that you’re wasting so much time and energy on the low-value ones, you aren’t available for the high-value gentlemen!

I’m WAY past 40.  Even though I’ve always longed for a husband and a family, I’ve never been married, and I don’t have...

You've Gotta Get Real if You Wanna Get Happy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Thanks to Hollywood and social media, we believe a relationship is going to make us happy.  Prince Charming is going to come along, give meaning to our lives, and waltz us into a technicolor world.

We think success or money or love will be the solution, but if that’s true, why is the divorce rate over 51% on first marriages? 

Why do people who "have it all" end their own lives?  Why do celebrities get strung out on drugs and alcohol?

The reason?  There is NO situation or circumstance that is going to make you happy.  Well, it may make you happy, but it won’t bring joy.

Happiness is based on the external landscape; joy is based on your internal landscape. 

This is why Paul and Silas could sing praises in prison. 

This is why Tibetan Buddhist monks can be peaceful under persecution. 

This is how some people are able to maintain their equilibrium...

You Will Still Have a Happy Ending!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

What if it never works out for me and I end up alone?

This is the question I began struggling with when I was 29.  

“What if I’m 35 and still single?”

Then, “What if I’m 40 and still single?”

Then, “What if I’m 45 and still single?”

Well, in the words of Job, “That which I feared has come upon me.”

I’ve never been married, but many women who are divorced have found themselves in this same situation. 

And, while there are women who do not want marriage - or don’t want to be married again, there are many of us who do want marriage, but have not found it.

I know many women who have never been married, but always wanted to be.

Ideally, we wouldn’t be stuck in this fear from 25 onward. 

We can make the argument that the fear itself repels the love we want, keeping us stuck in our singleness.

But, if you’re like me, and...

No, The Universe Isn't Sending You Losers

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Just because a man shows up, it doesn’t mean he’s “supposed to” be in your life.

One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach.  I had tried to get a couple of different girlfriends to go with me, but none were available.  So, I went by myself.

During the second half of the game, one of my friends came over and asked if I was dating anyone.  When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.

Flash forward a couple of weeks, and I had a dinner date with the brother.  He was super-cute, had two kids, and seemed like a nice, stable guy.  We share the same faith, he’s funny, and in case I didn’t mention it: super-cute.  I really liked him.

I thought, wow - good thing I went to that basketball game alone. 

If I’d been with pals, my friend never would have approached me...