How to Go Out and Live Life NOW

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

Do you ever avoid doing things alone because you feel awkward or embarrassed?

You’re not alone.

I once read an article where the author attended a local theater production by herself. As she walked in, she wondered, “Are the other audience members judging me like some dateless freak?”

Later in the same article, she admitted she actually enjoyed the experience. She could sit where she wanted, order what she wanted, and didn’t have to listen to anyone else’s commentary during the show.

Coincidentally, that same day, Dear Abby published a letter from a man whose wife talks nonstop during symphony performances — and he was fed up.

Sometimes going alone is actually better.

The small-town spotlight

I live in a small Southern town. Once, I mentioned to someone that I had just returned from a solo vacation in Cancun.

Her reaction was immediate:
“I would NEVER do that!”

Her resp...

Understanding the Ambiguous Loss of Singleness

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

My dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine, the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer — a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family — describes one of the unique emotional challenges many singles face: what she calls ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss is the grief that comes from longing for a spouse you don’t have — while still hoping one day you will.

It is grief without a funeral.
Loss without a moment of closure.
Heartache without a clear ending.

A grief few people recognize

When a married person loses a spouse through death or divorce, their grief is visible and widely understood.

But the grief of singleness is quieter.

It is the grief of not having found the relationship you hoped for.
The grief of watching time pass.
T...

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

I’m part of several Facebook groups for single women. Recently, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling deeply with singleness. She’s tired of going everywhere alone. It feels like everyone around her is coupled. And she dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time — and who have made peace with it — still have days when sadness creeps in.

I spent many years feeling left out and left behind. And even now, when 95% of the time I genuinely feel peaceful about my life, I still have moments — sometimes hours or even days — when I feel sad. I would still prefer to be married and have a family. I still feel lonely sometimes. And I still grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me well sometimes assume I prefer singleness. And while I’ve learned to li...

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And a Better Way to See Things

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you ever wondered what was wrong with you that you were still single?

I spent a lot of years and money trying to figure out why I could never have a successful relationship. 

I would start therapy sessions with a new counselor with the instruction that we needed to determine what was wrong with me and fix it so I could get married.

I read every relationship book, listened to every dating podcast, tried every self-improvement hack.  I wondered if I was not thin enough, not pretty enough, not elusive enough, too elusive.

When I was 40, I considered that maybe something was just wrong with me - like the wiring in my brain must be deeply flawed.  So flawed that nobody could figure it out, but clearly there was something wrong with me that was the cause of my singleness. 

It wasn’t visible: I have a good figure, I keep myself up, I look way younger than my actual age.  I’m successful, I’m fin...

It’s Good to Want a Relationship

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness

Shouldn’t I Be OK With Being Single?

Our culture often tells women that we shouldn’t need anyone.
That independence is the ultimate goal.
That wanting a relationship means we’re weak, needy, or clinging to a fairy tale.

So if you feel a deep desire for love, partnership, and family, you may quietly wonder if something is wrong with you.

I used to tell people, “I don’t need a man.”

But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true.

I wanted a relationship. I wanted marriage. I wanted family. And for a long time, I felt embarrassed to admit that. It sounded old-fashioned. Unmodern. Unempowered.

Yet Scripture tells a different story.

God created us for relationship. He created Eve with a desire for her husband. Wanting love, companionship, and family is not weakness — it’s part of how God designed us.

And yet, many of us are over 40 and still single.

So we walk around feelin...

 How to Find Peace in the Uncertainty of Singleness

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness 

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the most common things we hear as single women is,
“There’s someone for everyone.”

Another favorite:
“Every pot has a lid.”

And as Christians, we often quote Psalm 37:4:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

So we walk through our singleness waiting for the person who will finally “complete” us.
(Thanks, Jerry Maguire.)

But what if there isn’t someone for everyone?
What if your pot doesn’t have a lid?
What if God never gives you the desire of your heart?

These are the questions most women are afraid to say out loud.

The grief no one talks about

One of my closest friends has always wanted to be a wife and a mother. She is a devoted daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend. She cared for her father through cancer. She has walked with her mother through gri...

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And How to Stop Obsessing About It

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you even wondered why “he” chose “her”? 

This wondering may show up in two scenarios:

(a) you wonder why that man (guy you know, celebrity, athlete) chose the woman he’s with; or,

(b) you wonder why the man you wanted (or were with) chose someone else.

Let’s focus on Scenario B today: “your” guy chose her instead of you.

I was dating someone once, and right after we broke up, he started seeing someone who had a less-than-sterling reputation.

To the outsider, it’s clear that his interesting choice had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own character.

But when you’re inside the scenario, it’s normal to wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

I think there are two issues here:

1. He doesn’t want to be with you
2. He does want to be with her

They may be correlated, but not causal.  That’s fancy scientific jargon for, “they might both be happening, but one doesn’t ne...

I thought I was being nice.  Accommodating. Flexible.

Turns out, I was being a doormat.

Most people wouldn’t think of me as a “doormat” type of girl.  I’m confident, I’m sassy, and I have informed opinions.

I also don’t want people to be mad at me, and therefore I tend to prioritize the happiness of others over my own.

This was totally in line with my Christian upbringing, which taught me that everybody else comes first.  A popular church saying when I was growing up was, “JOY stands for Jesus, Others, You.”  You come last.

Is that what God wants?  Does He want us to erase ourselves in the name of being “good”?

I don’t think so.  As Christian women, we are to put our relationship with the Lord first.  We are to follow His lead.  When you read about Jesus’ interactions with people, He gave out of His loving willingness to do so.  But we are also told that he often withdrew to “lonely places” to pray.  He did not change His plan based on other people’s desires.

Case in point: when...

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That Don’t Involve Snarkiness or Social Media

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

“Men come and go, but your friends are forever.”  This is B.S.

I used to believe this.  Early on, I’d had the experience where I chose a man over my friends, and - as we all know - when the relationship ended, I had no gal pals to comfort or support me.

The older I’ve gotten, I’ve kept my girlfriends close and always made time for them. 

One of my friends and I had a standing Friday night “date.”  We’d go do a kickboxing workout, then get smoothies. 

I was dating someone very seriously, and whenever he’d ask for Friday night, I told him I had plans. 

In a year, I canceled on my friend 4 times because of out-of-town trips with him or some special event.

When she would latch on to a new guy, she’d ditch me and I wouldn’t hear from her for weeks. 

Once, when she was really caught up with a new squeeze (a one-night stand that she thought was Mr. Right), I had to call and ask her if...

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How to Save Yourself From the Terror of Singleness

by Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Is there someone for everyone?

One of the popular sayings we hear as singles is, “There’s someone for everyone.” 

Another favorite: “Every pot has a lid.” 

If you’re in the Christian community, people will quote Psalm 37:4: “If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

We wander through our singleness, wanting a relationship, always waiting for that one person who will “complete” us.  Thanks, Jerry Maguire.

What if there ISN’T someone for everyone?  What if your pot doesn’t have a lid? 

What if God never gives you the desires of your heart?

One of my girlfriends always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  She is a dutiful daughter, a respected nurse, and a beloved friend.  She nursed her father through his cancer, and has taken care of her mother in the years since his death.  She is a wonderful “mom” to her fur-baby (a dog), and she te...