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You Are the Prize

confidence & identity dating & relationships

Why You Don’t Have to Compete to Be Chosen
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I once heard Steve Harvey tell a woman:

“Quit acting like he’s the prize. You’re the prize.”

That really stayed with me.

She was trying to figure out how to get a man to want her — how to say the right things, do the right things, be the kind of woman he would choose.

And his response flipped the entire dynamic.

When You Think He’s the Prize

Many women — especially successful, single women — quietly believe that finding a good man is the goal.

We talk about friends who are “lucky” to have found someone great.

We start to feel like we need to position ourselves well… present ourselves well… compete, just a little, for attention.

And without even realizing it, we shift into a mindset where:

He is the prize.
And we are trying to be chosen.

That mindset leads to compromise.

We tolerate inconsistency.
We overlook disrespect.
We accept less than what we actually want.

Not because we don’t know better — bu...

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Be the Hero of Your Own Life

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Why Waiting to Be Rescued Keeps You Stuck
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Many of us grew up on stories where the princess is rescued by Prince Charming.

While those stories are often criticized, they resonate for a reason. As women, we’re wired for connection, partnership, and support. Wanting love and companionship is completely natural.

But there’s a subtle shift that can happen without us realizing it:

We begin to see ourselves as someone who is waiting to be rescued.

The Story We Tell Ourselves Matters

Our culture often encourages us to focus on what has happened to us.

Our past experiences.
Our disappointments.
The ways we’ve been hurt.

And while it’s important to acknowledge those things, there’s a difference between understanding your story… and building your identity around it.

When you think about it, in any story, who are you rooting for?

The hero — or the victim?

The hero moves forward, even when things are difficult.
The victim stays defined by what happened.

...

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Self-Respect Changes Everything

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What It Really Means to “Love Yourself” in Dating and Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of the most confusing pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is this:

“You just need to love yourself.”

What does that actually mean?

For a long time, I didn’t have a clear answer. But I kept hearing it, so I decided to think it through more carefully.

Eventually, I came to a simple definition:

Self-love is self-respect.

If you love something, you value it.
And if you value it, you take care of it.

So if you love yourself, you take care of yourself — physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Self-Respect Is Shown in Your Choices

Self-respect isn’t just a feeling. It shows up in how you live.

You don’t knowingly put yourself in situations that harm you.
You don’t consistently place someone else’s well-being ahead of your own.
You don’t engage in behavior that diminishes your sense of self.

And you don’t allow other people to treat you in ways that feel devaluing or disrespectful.

This isn’...

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You Don’t Get to Skip Life’s Lessons

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Why the Hard Experiences You Didn’t Want Are Shaping You
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of my greatest heartbreaks came when a man I had been dating for a year told me he wasn’t ready for marriage.

I met him when he was separated and finalizing his divorce — a situation that made me uneasy, but I convinced myself he had already done the emotional work to move forward.

When he told me he didn’t know what he wanted, I stepped back. I thought a little space would help him get clarity.

It did.

Six months later, he was engaged to someone else. Shortly after that, they were married.

When Pain Leads to More Pain

In the aftermath, I did what many of us do.

I tried to move on quickly.

I jumped back into online dating and met a schoolteacher who seemed eager, available, and interested in a relationship.

But something felt off.

As I got to know him, I uncovered a recent — and deeply concerning — criminal record. I ended the relationship, but what followed was months of stalking, ha...

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Making Peace With Singleness

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How to Stop Feeling Like Life Is Happening to You

I used to feel like my singleness was something that was happening to me.

Because I didn’t like being single, it felt like bad luck… or bad karma… or maybe even some kind of punishment.

At different times, I blamed everything and everyone:

My parents.
My ex-boyfriends.
The lack of “quality men.”
Myself.
The Universe.

I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Why couldn’t I find a husband?

I only wanted what most women want — a loving marriage and a family of my own. I didn’t think my expectations were unreasonable.

(Although, if I’m honest… my standards were often far too low. But that’s a conversation for another day.)

With every failed relationship, I felt more and more like I was the victim of some kind of cosmic mistake.

From Victim to Responsibility

If we’re honest, most of us can point to something in our past that shaped us in ways we didn’t choose.

Maybe it was something from childhood.
Maybe so...

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Trust Your Gut — It’s There to Protect You

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In the TV show Scandal, Olivia Pope often claimed she trusted her gut because it was never wrong.

While that makes for great television, intuition isn’t reserved for fictional heroines or unusually “lucky” people. It’s something we all have.

Many women, however, are socialized to ignore it — especially when following it might feel awkward, impolite, or inconvenient.

There’s a line in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo suggesting that people are often more worried about offending someone else than protecting themselves. Unfortunately, that tendency can lead us into situations that don’t serve us.

When I look back on difficult experiences in my life — in work, relationships, friendships, and even health decisions — a common thread appears:

I had a feeling something wasn’t right… and I talked myself out of it.

Intuition doesn’t always present as a dramatic warning. Often it shows up as a quiet sense that something feels “off.” A comment that lands sideways. A fleeting expression that d...

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High Standards Aren’t the Problem — Not Keeping Them Is

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Most of us like to think we’re special and unique — and in many ways, we are. But in dating and relationships, our behavior can become very predictable.

We may declare with confidence what we will and will not tolerate… until we meet someone we really want. Then suddenly, those standards start to soften, bend, or disappear altogether.

So perhaps the issue isn’t only raising standards.
Perhaps it’s maintaining them.

Many women worry that having standards will make them seem “difficult” or “high maintenance.” In reality, healthy people don’t resent standards — they respect them. The people who complain about your boundaries are often the ones who benefit from you not having any.

And having standards doesn’t mean being rigid or unrealistic. There’s a difference between healthy expectations and impossible demands.

For example:

Healthy standard: You require advance notice before accepting a date.
Unrealistic demand: You’ll only go out to five-star restaurants.

Healthy standard: If he...

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You May Be Giving Too Much: Learning to Receive in Relationships

boundaries standards

One of the most common mistakes I’ve made in dating relationships is giving too much.

For a long time, I believed that if I simply modeled the behavior I wanted, a man would naturally follow suit. If I wanted him to compliment me, I would compliment him. If I wanted him to be generous, I would be generous first. If I wanted him to feel cared for, I would go out of my way to make his life easier.

I even justified this approach spiritually.

Marianne Williamson, quoting A Course in Miracles, says, “Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.” I took that to mean that if something was missing, it was my job to give more.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had misunderstood the message entirely.

While women are naturally nurturing, healthy romantic relationships thrive on polarity. In a male–female dynamic, the masculine energy leads through giving, and the feminine energy receives. Think about intimacy: the man gives; the woman receives. That dynamic doesn’...

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You Don’t Need to Settle

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Why High Standards Protect a Tender Heart
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Just because a man shows up doesn’t mean he’s supposed to be in your life.

One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach. I tried to get a couple of girlfriends to go with me, but no one was available — so I went by myself.

During the second half of the game, a friend stopped by and asked if I was dating anyone. When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I was sitting across the table from that brother on a dinner date.

He was charming. Funny. Shared my faith. He had two kids, seemed stable — and yes, he was super cute. I really liked him.

I remember thinking, Wow… good thing I went to that game alone.
If I’d been with friends, this never would’ve happened.

It felt like proof that patience and positivity had finally paid off.
Maybe the universe was rewarding me. Maybe this was meant to be.

We went on a coup

...

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The Thoughts That Kept Me Stuck in Singleness — And What Finally Brought Me Peace

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This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

For many years, I believed my singleness was beyond my control.

Maybe God was “keeping” me single for some mysterious reason.
Maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t see — and couldn’t fix.
Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I see my story differently.

I now believe my singleness has been shaped, at least in part, by my own beliefs and behaviors. Not because I failed — but because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

And once I was willing to look honestly at my thinking, everything began to change.

The patterns I couldn’t see

With age comes perspective. Looking back, I can see how some of my choices created consequences I never intended.

I spent years in relationships with men who told me early on they didn’t want to get married. And I stayed.

Not because I hoped they would change — but because I hoped I could convince myself to be okay with dating without a future.

But I wasn’t okay.

And...

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