How You're Keeping Yourself Single and Unhappy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just wanted him to love me.  But he didn’t.

My mother asked me what I wanted in the relationship and all I could come up with was, I want him to love me. 

I had no concept about what I wanted from a relationship or how I wanted to feel in my own life.  I just wanted a man to love me.  I wanted to get married and have a family. 

But I hadn’t clarified what I was willing to accept and unwilling to accept in a man and in a relationship.  It seemed that the only qualification necessary to date me was that a man act like he might eventually love me.  That was enough for me to hang in there.

That’s how I burned up years on relationships where I was devalued, taken for granted, and left feeling like I’d been used.

In one relationship, I tolerated a man going on and on about his ex-girlfriend and thought it was a compliment when he told me he felt like...

And 2 Quick Fixes that Will Save You Time and Heartache

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Do you ever feel like you’re in a dating-version of the movie “Groundhog Day?” 

You keep having the same experience: you meet a guy, think it’s good (or could be good), then things don’t work out.  And you’re back to square one.

It’s easy to believe that there just aren’t any quality men out there, or that your “picker’s broke,” or that there’s just something wrong with you because you “keep attracting these guys.”

While it’s true that there are fewer “high-value” men over 40 than there are women, the problem may be that you’re wasting so much time and energy on the low-value ones, you aren’t available for the high-value gentlemen!

I’m WAY past 40.  Even though I’ve always longed for a husband and a family, I’ve never been married, and I don’t have...

You've Gotta Get Real if You Wanna Get Happy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Thanks to Hollywood and social media, we believe a relationship is going to make us happy.  Prince Charming is going to come along, give meaning to our lives, and waltz us into a technicolor world.

We think success or money or love will be the solution, but if that’s true, why is the divorce rate over 51% on first marriages? 

Why do people who "have it all" end their own lives?  Why do celebrities get strung out on drugs and alcohol?

The reason?  There is NO situation or circumstance that is going to make you happy.  Well, it may make you happy, but it won’t bring joy.

Happiness is based on the external landscape; joy is based on your internal landscape. 

This is why Paul and Silas could sing praises in prison. 

This is why Tibetan Buddhist monks can be peaceful under persecution. 

This is how some people are able to maintain their equilibrium...

You Will Still Have a Happy Ending!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

What if it never works out for me and I end up alone?

This is the question I began struggling with when I was 29.  

“What if I’m 35 and still single?”

Then, “What if I’m 40 and still single?”

Then, “What if I’m 45 and still single?”

Well, in the words of Job, “That which I feared has come upon me.”

I’ve never been married, but many women who are divorced have found themselves in this same situation. 

And, while there are women who do not want marriage - or don’t want to be married again, there are many of us who do want marriage, but have not found it.

I know many women who have never been married, but always wanted to be.

Ideally, we wouldn’t be stuck in this fear from 25 onward. 

We can make the argument that the fear itself repels the love we want, keeping us stuck in our singleness.

But, if you’re like me, and...

No, The Universe Isn't Sending You Losers

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Just because a man shows up, it doesn’t mean he’s “supposed to” be in your life.

One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach.  I had tried to get a couple of different girlfriends to go with me, but none were available.  So, I went by myself.

During the second half of the game, one of my friends came over and asked if I was dating anyone.  When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.

Flash forward a couple of weeks, and I had a dinner date with the brother.  He was super-cute, had two kids, and seemed like a nice, stable guy.  We share the same faith, he’s funny, and in case I didn’t mention it: super-cute.  I really liked him.

I thought, wow - good thing I went to that basketball game alone. 

If I’d been with pals, my friend never would have approached me...

Maybe You're Super Successful at Avoiding Bad Relationships

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just can’t get it right. 

Ever thought that?  Ever looked at the relationships in your rearview mirror and recognized yourself as the common denominator. 

And if you’re the one who keeps having relationship failures, well….it’s easy to feel like YOU’RE the failure.

I’ve always wanted to be married, but I’m over 40 and I’ve never been married.  I’ve dated a lot, and I’ve been in love, but nothing that lasted. 

I used to see my string of broken relationships as proof that I was a failure at love.  While it’s true that I’m not the best person to tell you how to get a man to commit, I’m definitely an expert on what doesn’t work.

One of my readers commented once that she wasn’t sure I was “qualified” to give relationship advice - having never been married. 

...

Your Singleness ISN'T Divine Punishment!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe God was punishing me with singleness.  Or, at least, that I just hadn’t gotten good enough to “earn” a man.

If you grew up in church, you’ve probably heard of Psalm 37:4 - “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I took this to mean that if I didn’t have the desire of my heart (i.e., marriage and family), I must not be pleasing God. 

When you think God is mad at you, you’ll start jumping through hoops to be good enough.  And the major problem with this is that when you think God is mad at you, you cannot have peace.

I read one story about King David (who wrote Psalm 37) .  His heart’s desire was to build a new temple for God. 

But, God told David that He would not accept a temple built by David because there was too much blood on David’s hands. 

Unable to...

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Even If Other People DO Talk About You

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Do you hate doing things alone because you feel embarrassed?

You’re not alone.  On the front page of the Wall Street Journal on Tuesday, June 5, 2018, Ms. Claire Wixted was quoted as saying (about going to a movie alone), “Are [other moviegoers] judging me like some dateless freak?”

The article goes on to report that many solo moviegoers have learned they prefer going to the movies alone because they can sit where they want, eat what they want, and not have to listen to someone else’s chatter. 

Coincidentally, the same day Dear Abby had a question from a man whose wife talks through the movies, and he’s fed up with going to the theater with her!

I live in a small, Southern town.  One time, I told someone I had just returned from vacationing by myself in Cancun. 

Her reaction: I would NEVER do that! 

Her declaration really hurt - I...

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But Only If You want a Good Relationship

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

If you’re single and you’re over 40, you’ve probably been asked if (or told that) you’re too picky.

Like, you shouldn’t have any standards.  After all, you’re over 40 - you need to be more accepting because nobody’s perfect.

I find it interesting that when you go to the grocery store, you examine the produce because you don’t want to pick the tomatoes that are squished, or the apples that are bruised, or the lemons that are mildewy. 

But, God forbid that you have standards for a relationship!

I was dating a guy and learned that he had been divorced 4 times and had declared personal bankruptcy twice.  I told one of my friends I was going to dump him, and her response was that I was too focused on money.

OK - broke in your 20’s, starting out with nothing and building something together is romantic. 

...

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The Single Girl’s Guide to Surviving Valentine’s Day

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Here we go: another Valentine’s Day.  This article is straight-up written for my single girlfriends out there.  Ladies, these Do’s and Don’ts will help you survive Valentine’s Day (and maybe even enjoy it (gasp)!).

DO keep Valentine’s Day in perspective.  Remember: Valentine’s Day is basically a manufactured holiday designed to sell you things.  V-Day is a major revenue generator for card companies, florists, candy makers, restaurants, jewelers, and retailers who sell cards, flowers, candy, or jewelry. 

The fact that we are so dialed in to Valentine’s Day is a testament to the power of marketing (which I am fine with, as a trained and experienced marketing expert). 

In terms of our economy, I hope to see lots of Valentine’s Day gifts around me because spending will help us continue...