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Self-Respect Changes Everything

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What It Really Means to “Love Yourself” in Dating and Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of the most confusing pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is this:

“You just need to love yourself.”

What does that actually mean?

For a long time, I didn’t have a clear answer. But I kept hearing it, so I decided to think it through more carefully.

Eventually, I came to a simple definition:

Self-love is self-respect.

If you love something, you value it.
And if you value it, you take care of it.

So if you love yourself, you take care of yourself — physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Self-Respect Is Shown in Your Choices

Self-respect isn’t just a feeling. It shows up in how you live.

You don’t knowingly put yourself in situations that harm you.
You don’t consistently place someone else’s well-being ahead of your own.
You don’t engage in behavior that diminishes your sense of self.

And you don’t allow other people to treat you in ways that feel devaluing or disrespectful.

This isn’...

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You Don’t Get to Skip Life’s Lessons

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Why the Hard Experiences You Didn’t Want Are Shaping You
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of my greatest heartbreaks came when a man I had been dating for a year told me he wasn’t ready for marriage.

I met him when he was separated and finalizing his divorce — a situation that made me uneasy, but I convinced myself he had already done the emotional work to move forward.

When he told me he didn’t know what he wanted, I stepped back. I thought a little space would help him get clarity.

It did.

Six months later, he was engaged to someone else. Shortly after that, they were married.

When Pain Leads to More Pain

In the aftermath, I did what many of us do.

I tried to move on quickly.

I jumped back into online dating and met a schoolteacher who seemed eager, available, and interested in a relationship.

But something felt off.

As I got to know him, I uncovered a recent — and deeply concerning — criminal record. I ended the relationship, but what followed was months of stalking, ha...

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Making Peace With Singleness

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How to Stop Feeling Like Life Is Happening to You

I used to feel like my singleness was something that was happening to me.

Because I didn’t like being single, it felt like bad luck… or bad karma… or maybe even some kind of punishment.

At different times, I blamed everything and everyone:

My parents.
My ex-boyfriends.
The lack of “quality men.”
Myself.
The Universe.

I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Why couldn’t I find a husband?

I only wanted what most women want — a loving marriage and a family of my own. I didn’t think my expectations were unreasonable.

(Although, if I’m honest… my standards were often far too low. But that’s a conversation for another day.)

With every failed relationship, I felt more and more like I was the victim of some kind of cosmic mistake.

From Victim to Responsibility

If we’re honest, most of us can point to something in our past that shaped us in ways we didn’t choose.

Maybe it was something from childhood.
Maybe so...

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Trust Your Gut — It’s There to Protect You

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In the TV show Scandal, Olivia Pope often claimed she trusted her gut because it was never wrong.

While that makes for great television, intuition isn’t reserved for fictional heroines or unusually “lucky” people. It’s something we all have.

Many women, however, are socialized to ignore it — especially when following it might feel awkward, impolite, or inconvenient.

There’s a line in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo suggesting that people are often more worried about offending someone else than protecting themselves. Unfortunately, that tendency can lead us into situations that don’t serve us.

When I look back on difficult experiences in my life — in work, relationships, friendships, and even health decisions — a common thread appears:

I had a feeling something wasn’t right… and I talked myself out of it.

Intuition doesn’t always present as a dramatic warning. Often it shows up as a quiet sense that something feels “off.” A comment that lands sideways. A fleeting expression that d...

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High Standards Aren’t the Problem — Not Keeping Them Is

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Most of us like to think we’re special and unique — and in many ways, we are. But in dating and relationships, our behavior can become very predictable.

We may declare with confidence what we will and will not tolerate… until we meet someone we really want. Then suddenly, those standards start to soften, bend, or disappear altogether.

So perhaps the issue isn’t only raising standards.
Perhaps it’s maintaining them.

Many women worry that having standards will make them seem “difficult” or “high maintenance.” In reality, healthy people don’t resent standards — they respect them. The people who complain about your boundaries are often the ones who benefit from you not having any.

And having standards doesn’t mean being rigid or unrealistic. There’s a difference between healthy expectations and impossible demands.

For example:

Healthy standard: You require advance notice before accepting a date.
Unrealistic demand: You’ll only go out to five-star restaurants.

Healthy standard: If he...

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You May Be Giving Too Much: Learning to Receive in Relationships

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One of the most common mistakes I’ve made in dating relationships is giving too much.

For a long time, I believed that if I simply modeled the behavior I wanted, a man would naturally follow suit. If I wanted him to compliment me, I would compliment him. If I wanted him to be generous, I would be generous first. If I wanted him to feel cared for, I would go out of my way to make his life easier.

I even justified this approach spiritually.

Marianne Williamson, quoting A Course in Miracles, says, “Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.” I took that to mean that if something was missing, it was my job to give more.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had misunderstood the message entirely.

While women are naturally nurturing, healthy romantic relationships thrive on polarity. In a male–female dynamic, the masculine energy leads through giving, and the feminine energy receives. Think about intimacy: the man gives; the woman receives. That dynamic doesn’...

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You Don’t Need to Settle

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Why High Standards Protect a Tender Heart
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Just because a man shows up doesn’t mean he’s supposed to be in your life.

One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach. I tried to get a couple of girlfriends to go with me, but no one was available — so I went by myself.

During the second half of the game, a friend stopped by and asked if I was dating anyone. When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I was sitting across the table from that brother on a dinner date.

He was charming. Funny. Shared my faith. He had two kids, seemed stable — and yes, he was super cute. I really liked him.

I remember thinking, Wow… good thing I went to that game alone.
If I’d been with friends, this never would’ve happened.

It felt like proof that patience and positivity had finally paid off.
Maybe the universe was rewarding me. Maybe this was meant to be.

We went on a coup

...

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The Thoughts That Kept Me Stuck in Singleness — And What Finally Brought Me Peace

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This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

For many years, I believed my singleness was beyond my control.

Maybe God was “keeping” me single for some mysterious reason.
Maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t see — and couldn’t fix.
Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I see my story differently.

I now believe my singleness has been shaped, at least in part, by my own beliefs and behaviors. Not because I failed — but because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

And once I was willing to look honestly at my thinking, everything began to change.

The patterns I couldn’t see

With age comes perspective. Looking back, I can see how some of my choices created consequences I never intended.

I spent years in relationships with men who told me early on they didn’t want to get married. And I stayed.

Not because I hoped they would change — but because I hoped I could convince myself to be okay with dating without a future.

But I wasn’t okay.

And...

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Do You Avoid Doing Things Alone Because You Feel Embarrassed?

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How to Go Out and Live Life NOW

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

Do you ever avoid doing things alone because you feel awkward or embarrassed?

You’re not alone.

I once read an article where the author attended a local theater production by herself. As she walked in, she wondered, “Are the other audience members judging me like some dateless freak?”

Later in the same article, she admitted she actually enjoyed the experience. She could sit where she wanted, order what she wanted, and didn’t have to listen to anyone else’s commentary during the show.

Coincidentally, that same day, Dear Abby published a letter from a man whose wife talks nonstop during symphony performances — and he was fed up.

Sometimes going alone is actually better.

The small-town spotlight

I live in a small Southern town. Once, I mentioned to someone that I had just returned from a solo vacation in Cancun.

Her reaction was immediate:
“I would NEVER do that!”

Her resp...

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One Foot in Hope, the Other in Despair

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Understanding the Ambiguous Loss of Singleness

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

My dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine, the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer — a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family — describes one of the unique emotional challenges many singles face: what she calls ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss is the grief that comes from longing for a spouse you don’t have — while still hoping one day you will.

It is grief without a funeral.
Loss without a moment of closure.
Heartache without a clear ending.

A grief few people recognize

When a married person loses a spouse through death or divorce, their grief is visible and widely understood.

But the grief of singleness is quieter.

It is the grief of not having found the relationship you hoped for.
The grief of watching time pass.
T...

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