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High Standards Aren’t the Problem — Not Keeping Them Is

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Most of us like to think we’re special and unique — and in many ways, we are. But in dating and relationships, our behavior can become very predictable.

We may declare with confidence what we will and will not tolerate… until we meet someone we really want. Then suddenly, those standards start to soften, bend, or disappear altogether.

So perhaps the issue isn’t only raising standards.
Perhaps it’s maintaining them.

Many women worry that having standards will make them seem “difficult” or “high maintenance.” In reality, healthy people don’t resent standards — they respect them. The people who complain about your boundaries are often the ones who benefit from you not having any.

And having standards doesn’t mean being rigid or unrealistic. There’s a difference between healthy expectations and impossible demands.

For example:

Healthy standard: You require advance notice before accepting a date.
Unrealistic demand: You’ll only go out to five-star restaurants.

Healthy standard: If he...

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You May Be Giving Too Much: Learning to Receive in Relationships

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One of the most common mistakes I’ve made in dating relationships is giving too much.

For a long time, I believed that if I simply modeled the behavior I wanted, a man would naturally follow suit. If I wanted him to compliment me, I would compliment him. If I wanted him to be generous, I would be generous first. If I wanted him to feel cared for, I would go out of my way to make his life easier.

I even justified this approach spiritually.

Marianne Williamson, quoting A Course in Miracles, says, “Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.” I took that to mean that if something was missing, it was my job to give more.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had misunderstood the message entirely.

While women are naturally nurturing, healthy romantic relationships thrive on polarity. In a male–female dynamic, the masculine energy leads through giving, and the feminine energy receives. Think about intimacy: the man gives; the woman receives. That dynamic doesn’...

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You Don’t Need to Settle

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Why High Standards Protect a Tender Heart
By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Just because a man shows up doesn’t mean he’s supposed to be in your life.

One evening, I went to a basketball game at the university where I teach. I tried to get a couple of girlfriends to go with me, but no one was available — so I went by myself.

During the second half of the game, a friend stopped by and asked if I was dating anyone. When I told him I wasn’t, he said he wanted to set me up with his brother.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I was sitting across the table from that brother on a dinner date.

He was charming. Funny. Shared my faith. He had two kids, seemed stable — and yes, he was super cute. I really liked him.

I remember thinking, Wow… good thing I went to that game alone.
If I’d been with friends, this never would’ve happened.

It felt like proof that patience and positivity had finally paid off.
Maybe the universe was rewarding me. Maybe this was meant to be.

We went on a coup

...

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The Thoughts That Kept Me Stuck in Singleness — And What Finally Brought Me Peace

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This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

For many years, I believed my singleness was beyond my control.

Maybe God was “keeping” me single for some mysterious reason.
Maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t see — and couldn’t fix.
Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I see my story differently.

I now believe my singleness has been shaped, at least in part, by my own beliefs and behaviors. Not because I failed — but because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

And once I was willing to look honestly at my thinking, everything began to change.

The patterns I couldn’t see

With age comes perspective. Looking back, I can see how some of my choices created consequences I never intended.

I spent years in relationships with men who told me early on they didn’t want to get married. And I stayed.

Not because I hoped they would change — but because I hoped I could convince myself to be okay with dating without a future.

But I wasn’t okay.

And...

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Do You Avoid Doing Things Alone Because You Feel Embarrassed?

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How to Go Out and Live Life NOW

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

Do you ever avoid doing things alone because you feel awkward or embarrassed?

You’re not alone.

I once read an article where the author attended a local theater production by herself. As she walked in, she wondered, “Are the other audience members judging me like some dateless freak?”

Later in the same article, she admitted she actually enjoyed the experience. She could sit where she wanted, order what she wanted, and didn’t have to listen to anyone else’s commentary during the show.

Coincidentally, that same day, Dear Abby published a letter from a man whose wife talks nonstop during symphony performances — and he was fed up.

Sometimes going alone is actually better.

The small-town spotlight

I live in a small Southern town. Once, I mentioned to someone that I had just returned from a solo vacation in Cancun.

Her reaction was immediate:
“I would NEVER do that!”

Her resp...

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One Foot in Hope, the Other in Despair

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Understanding the Ambiguous Loss of Singleness

This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

My dad shared an article with me from Pepperdine Magazine, the alumni publication from Pepperdine University.

In the article, Kelly Haer — a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Relationship IQ program at the Pepperdine Boone Center for the Family — describes one of the unique emotional challenges many singles face: what she calls ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss is the grief that comes from longing for a spouse you don’t have — while still hoping one day you will.

It is grief without a funeral.
Loss without a moment of closure.
Heartache without a clear ending.

A grief few people recognize

When a married person loses a spouse through death or divorce, their grief is visible and widely understood.

But the grief of singleness is quieter.

It is the grief of not having found the relationship you hoped for.
The grief of watching time pass.
T...

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What to Do When You’re Feeling Sad About Being Single

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This post is part of our February series: Loneliness, Fear, and Comparison

I’m part of several Facebook groups for single women. Recently, I read a post from a young woman who is struggling deeply with singleness. She’s tired of going everywhere alone. It feels like everyone around her is coupled. And she dreads the questions from her mother about when she’s going to find someone and settle down.

I think most of us can relate.

Even those of us who have been single for a long time — and who have made peace with it — still have days when sadness creeps in.

I spent many years feeling left out and left behind. And even now, when 95% of the time I genuinely feel peaceful about my life, I still have moments — sometimes hours or even days — when I feel sad. I would still prefer to be married and have a family. I still feel lonely sometimes. And I still grow weary of so much time by myself.

People who don’t know me well sometimes assume I prefer singleness. And while I’ve learned to li...

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3 Reasons Why You'll Never Be Good Enough for a Relationship

dating heartbreak incomplete lonely

Listen to this episode

And a Better Way to See Things

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you ever wondered what was wrong with you that you were still single?

I spent a lot of years and money trying to figure out why I could never have a successful relationship.

I would start therapy sessions with a new counselor with the instruction that we needed to determine what was wrong with me and fix it so I could get married.

I read every relationship book, listened to every dating podcast, tried every self-improvement hack. I wondered if I was not thin enough, not pretty enough, not elusive enough, too elusive.

When I was 40, I considered that maybe something was just wrong with me - like the wiring in my brain must be deeply flawed. So flawed that nobody could figure it out, but clearly there was something wrong with me that was the cause of my singleness.

It wasn’t visible: I have a good figure, I keep myself up, I look way younger than my actual age. I’m successful, I’m fin...

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It’s OK to NOT Be OK With Being Single

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It’s Good to Want a Relationship

This post is part of our January series: Acknowledging the Ache of Singleness

Shouldn’t I Be OK With Being Single?

Our culture often tells women that we shouldn’t need anyone.
That independence is the ultimate goal.
That wanting a relationship means we’re weak, needy, or clinging to a fairy tale.

So if you feel a deep desire for love, partnership, and family, you may quietly wonder if something is wrong with you.

I used to tell people, “I don’t need a man.”

But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true.

I wanted a relationship. I wanted marriage. I wanted family. And for a long time, I felt embarrassed to admit that. It sounded old-fashioned. Unmodern. Unempowered.

Yet Scripture tells a different story.

God created us for relationship. He created Eve with a desire for her husband. Wanting love, companionship, and family is not weakness — it’s part of how God designed us.

And yet, many of us are over 40 and still single.

So we walk around feelin...

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Why He Left YOU For HER

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Listen to this Episode

And How to Stop Obsessing About It

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you even wondered why “he” chose “her”?

This wondering may show up in two scenarios:

(a) you wonder why that man (guy you know, celebrity, athlete) chose the woman he’s with; or,

(b) you wonder why the man you wanted (or were with) chose someone else.

Let’s focus on Scenario B today: “your” guy chose her instead of you.

I was dating someone once, and right after we broke up, he started seeing someone who had a less-than-sterling reputation.

To the outsider, it’s clear that his interesting choice had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own character.

But when you’re inside the scenario, it’s normal to wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

I think there are two issues here:

He doesn’t want to be with you
He does want to be with her

They may be correlated, but not causal. That’s fancy scientific jargon for, “they might both be happening, but one doesn’t ne...

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