Be the director, not the starving artist!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

A popular technique used by PUA’s (pick up artists, if you’re not familiar with the term) is to “neg” women.  This is where they give you a backhanded compliment (“You’re pretty, for a redhead.”) or they express “concerns” about dating you.  (“I’ve heard you’re a Dragon Lady and I don’t want to get hurt.”) 

These tactics are designed to get a woman to work hard to gain the guy’s approval or to show him she’s not what he’s accusing her of.  

One guy told me he was concerned about us dating because I have a Master’s degree and he “mopped floors in college.”  (By the way, like most college students, I worked a variety of low-paying, menial jobs, too!). This caused me to launch into sales mode to convince him we had a lot in common.

Another time, he said he...

This is for me, but you’re welcome to read along, Friend!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know you need boundaries.  And, most of us think we’re pretty good at setting them.  This is true: we’re good at setting boundaries; where we stink is in protecting the boundaries.

How many times have you said (to yourself or to others), the next time X happens, I’m going to Y.  And then you don’t follow through with Y.  You draw a line in the sand, and then you step back and draw another line.

There are many good books on boundaries.   One of my favorites is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  They have several follow-up books, including Boundaries in Dating, which I highly recommend.

Setting a boundary is easy.  It’s being willing to deliver the consequences for a boundary violation that can be difficult.  Especially if the...

Too many duds, and not enough studs!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

The most recent statistic in the United States is that approximately 1/3 of couples who marry meet on an online dating site.  And, I agree that some people do have successful outcomes from dating online.  What we don’t know is the percentage of online matches that result in marriage - I am confident that number is well below 30%.

I do believe that online dating has some benefits.

First, online dating is representative of offline dating - there are good guys and not-so-good guys no matter where you go.

Second, online dating allows you to get out of your normal routine.  If you go from work to gym to home to church, you’re not necessarily going to meet new people.  Online dating creates the opportunity to meet people you would otherwise never cross paths with.

Third, online dating can allow you to meet people in other locations.  If you’re comfortable with long-distance...

Why you need to do a background check

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Whirlwind courtships seem so romantic!

Remember when Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson were engaged, living together, buying pets, and getting tattoos?  Before we knew it, it was over.

I’ve fallen for the whirlwind romance, and it has ALWAYS ended in heartbreak.

I love how women (and men) suddenly develop ESP when dating: “You just KNOW when it’s right.”  How about just KNOWING the right lottery numbers?  Or just KNOWING your boss is about to reprimand you?

One of my girlfriends was shocked to find out her husband had a criminal record (a serious, felony record).  They married after dating for 3 months, and she was gobsmacked that he hadn’t disclosed this.

Many times, men who want to rush things are doing so because they are racing against the clock.  They want you legally committed to them before you find out who they really are.  By the way - I found his...

Stop Settling for Less than Marriage

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Why are we so shocked?

Recently, there was a news item where a reality star’s baby-daddy cheated on her with one of her friends.  Sadly, this was the second time he’d done it; the first was while the starlet was pregnant with his child. 

As women, we find this behavior shocking and deplorable.

But, if a man isn’t committed enough to you to marry you, he’s not going to be committed enough to stay faithful.  Whether or not you have a baby with him is irrelevant.

“Married men cheat, too,” you may be saying.  Yes - but it’s more likely that they were committed to their wife at some point (unless he married her for reasons other than wanting to be with her for the rest of his life).

Another reality star had 3 children with her longtime boyfriend.  They were on-again-off-again, and she was chronically unhappy with his drinking and partying.  He took...

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was getting excited about a man and, believing this was my “happy ending,” I resigned my job and planned to move across the country to be with him. 

He came out to help me move, but instead informed me that he’d “changed his mind.”  He was on a plane the next day, leaving me with a job I couldn’t get back, all of my belongings packed up in boxes, and a lost deposit on the moving truck I no longer needed.

I was devastated and humiliated.

I had never before put a relationship before my career.  As a single woman, I was crystal clear that I was my sole provider.  But I was 30 years old and I desperately wanted to be married and have a family.  Now I had no man, no prospects, and no income.

And from that day hence, I never again let a man have any influence on my career.  

Well - except for the times when...

The Emotional High that Will Bring You Down

Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Isn’t it amazing how women suddenly develop ESP when they meet a new guy?  

Suddenly, they just “know” he’s “The One.”  Your perfectly rational, intelligent friend gets married to a man she’s known for 3 months because, as she puts it, “When you know, you know.”

But, what do you really “know” after only a few months?  This “knowing” is based on strong feelings.  The problem with strong feelings is that they feel real, but that doesn’t make them true.

There is an overwhelming amount of scientific evidence about how new love (infatuation) affects the brain.  Similar to cocaine, the emotional high of a new romance triggers dopamine - the “feel good” hormone that makes us super-energized and leaves us feeling like we can conquer the world on only four hours of sleep.  Everything seems more...

What Gambling Taught Me About Dating

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Have you ever looked back on something and thought, “I should have known better?”

Most of us have.  So why is it so hard to recognize a potentially damaging situation when you’re in it?

Even if we don’t learn from our own experiences, it would be ideal if we could learn from others’ experiences.  Cautionary tales can spare us a lot of grief, but we frequently believe we are the exception rather than the rule.  

We all know dating a married man is heartache waiting to happen.  But most women who get into that situation will believe that THEY are the exception.  THEY are the one the guy will leave his wife for.  THEY are the one who will get a happy ending.  THEY aren’t being strung along by a man who has zero intention of leaving his marriage.

I have watched several of my girlfriends get involved...

And How to Make Sure They’re Helping You!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

My greatest heartbreak occurred when the man I’d been dating for a year told me he wasn’t ready for marriage.  I’d met him when he was separated and finalizing his divorce - a scenario that made me nervous, but he seemed like he had completed his emotional business with that failed marriage.  When he told me he didn’t know what he wanted, I said I needed a break.  I figured some time apart would have him ready to get engaged. 

It worked: six months later he was engaged to another woman.  They married shortly thereafter.

I immediately jumped back into online dating.  I met a schoolteacher who was marriage-minded and excited about me.  But something felt “off.”  I uncovered his recent - and disturbing - criminal record, so I ended the relationship.  He proceeded to stalk, harass, and terrify me...

How to Move On and Get Different Results in Life

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Regret.  We all have at least one relationship we look back on and wish we’d done things differently.  Or wish things had been different.  Or wonder what we could have done or not done to cause things to turn out differently.

Sometimes, that regret is hard to shake because we keep repeating our mistakes.  We start to feel like it’s just the same heartache over and over.  Actually, that’s valid.  Sometimes we truly are experiencing the same heartache, just with different people, because we are doing the same things over and over.

One of the best ways I have learned to make peace with the past is to use a tool from Alcoholics Anonymous: the Fourth Step.  In the Fourth Step, the alcoholic makes a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of herself.  This is where you write down everyone you’re resentful towards, why you are...