What's The Point?

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

When I’m teaching my college students about business ethics, we cover the topic of “situational ethics.”  

Situational ethics are values that change with the circumstances.  For example, you may say it’s wrong to commit adultery, but it’s okay if the partners don’t love each other and are “only staying together legally for the children.”

As single women, it can be frustrating when we see others doing “the wrong thing” but getting rewarded.  

I don’t date married men, but I’ve known plenty of women who do and whose lovers left their wives!

It’s not only in dating.  Maybe there’s that coworker who cuts corners and is dishonest, but she gets a promotion.  Or your child loses a spot on the cheerleading team because the daughter of the coach’s best friend tried out. - your kid was clearly superior, but she lost out because...

This is for me, but you’re welcome to read along, Friend!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know you need boundaries.  And, most of us think we’re pretty good at setting them.  This is true: we’re good at setting boundaries; where we stink is in protecting the boundaries.

How many times have you said (to yourself or to others), the next time X happens, I’m going to Y.  And then you don’t follow through with Y.  You draw a line in the sand, and then you step back and draw another line.

There are many good books on boundaries.   One of my favorites is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  They have several follow-up books, including Boundaries in Dating, which I highly recommend.

Setting a boundary is easy.  It’s being willing to deliver the consequences for a boundary violation that can be difficult.  Especially if the...

The Emotional High that Will Bring You Down

Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

Isn’t it amazing how women suddenly develop ESP when they meet a new guy?  

Suddenly, they just “know” he’s “The One.”  Your perfectly rational, intelligent friend gets married to a man she’s known for 3 months because, as she puts it, “When you know, you know.”

But, what do you really “know” after only a few months?  This “knowing” is based on strong feelings.  The problem with strong feelings is that they feel real, but that doesn’t make them true.

There is an overwhelming amount of scientific evidence about how new love (infatuation) affects the brain.  Similar to cocaine, the emotional high of a new romance triggers dopamine - the “feel good” hormone that makes us super-energized and leaves us feeling like we can conquer the world on only four hours of sleep.  Everything seems more...

And How to Make Sure They’re Helping You!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

My greatest heartbreak occurred when the man I’d been dating for a year told me he wasn’t ready for marriage.  I’d met him when he was separated and finalizing his divorce - a scenario that made me nervous, but he seemed like he had completed his emotional business with that failed marriage.  When he told me he didn’t know what he wanted, I said I needed a break.  I figured some time apart would have him ready to get engaged. 

It worked: six months later he was engaged to another woman.  They married shortly thereafter.

I immediately jumped back into online dating.  I met a schoolteacher who was marriage-minded and excited about me.  But something felt “off.”  I uncovered his recent - and disturbing - criminal record, so I ended the relationship.  He proceeded to stalk, harass, and terrify me...

And How You Can Have Peace

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe that my singleness was beyond my control.  Perhaps I was “meant” to be single for some cosmic reason.  Or, there was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t identify (and couldn’t fix).  Maybe I just had bad luck.

Today, I believe my singleness is an outcome of my own beliefs and behaviors.  Because I had beliefs about being single that didn’t serve me, I behaved in ways that were guaranteed to keep me single (even though I didn’t recognize that at the time). 

A Course in Miracles says that, “The ego’s dictate in love is to be always seeking, but never finding.”  That phrase really resonated with me.

 I’m well over 40, and one of the perspectives age brings is the ability to look back and see how our behavior has created consequences that we didn’t anticipate. 

I wasted years in...

How You're Keeping Yourself Single and Unhappy

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I just wanted him to love me.  But he didn’t.

My mother asked me what I wanted in the relationship and all I could come up with was, I want him to love me. 

I had no concept about what I wanted from a relationship or how I wanted to feel in my own life.  I just wanted a man to love me.  I wanted to get married and have a family. 

But I hadn’t clarified what I was willing to accept and unwilling to accept in a man and in a relationship.  It seemed that the only qualification necessary to date me was that a man act like he might eventually love me.  That was enough for me to hang in there.

That’s how I burned up years on relationships where I was devalued, taken for granted, and left feeling like I’d been used.

In one relationship, I tolerated a man going on and on about his ex-girlfriend and thought it was a compliment when he told me he felt like...

Your Singleness ISN'T Divine Punishment!

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I used to believe God was punishing me with singleness.  Or, at least, that I just hadn’t gotten good enough to “earn” a man.

If you grew up in church, you’ve probably heard of Psalm 37:4 - “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I took this to mean that if I didn’t have the desire of my heart (i.e., marriage and family), I must not be pleasing God. 

When you think God is mad at you, you’ll start jumping through hoops to be good enough.  And the major problem with this is that when you think God is mad at you, you cannot have peace.

I read one story about King David (who wrote Psalm 37) .  His heart’s desire was to build a new temple for God. 

But, God told David that He would not accept a temple built by David because there was too much blood on David’s hands. 

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Sounds Like Work (And It Feels Like Work)

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

If you’ve read anything about dating, you may have heard the term “duty dating.”  This phrase was coined by Dr. Pat Allen, and the idea is that you go on dates with several men - even if you’re not necessarily interested in them.

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger has a similar approach: a pair and a spare.  Two guys you really like, and one that you think is nice, but may not really be Mr. Right.

The reason to duty date is that it keeps you “out there,” not getting hung up on one guy.  It allows you to “practice” dating and to keep meeting men because you never know when you’ll meet The One.

Many times, women take themselves off the market when they meet someone they like, but then when it doesn’t work out, they have wasted time and energy and feel more hurt because he was the focus of their...

Free Your Friends By Detaching

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I think we’ve all had the experience of the friend who gets a new man, then you don’t hear from her unless he’s out of town or they break up.

If you’re like most of us, maybe you’ve been that friend!  In my younger days, I would ditch a friend to accept a last-minute date with a guy.  Or, I’d go on a date even if I was sick with a terrible cold, but cancel on a girlfriend because I was tired or just “didn’t feel like” going.

It is completely natural to want to spend every possible moment with your Mr. Right.  It’s easy to let your friendships slip away and just focus in on your beloved.  Part of that is how we’re wired as women, but we also need our girlfriends!  And not just the ones we double date with!

What if you and your beloved break up?  Many times, the couple you hung out with feel like they have to choose sides, and...

The One Thing I Hated in Life is the Only Thing That Could Bring Me Happiness

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

In Part 1, we looked at how singleness was the only way I could have what I truly craved: a sense of wholeness and completion.

In his book, The Obstacle is the Way, Ryan Holiday uses the Roman philosophy of stoicism to teach the idea that the problem is actually the solution.  In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius (a noted stoic) writes, “The impediment to action advances action.  What stands in the way becomes the way.”

Let’s say you’re unemployed and can’t find a job.  Your lack of income forces you to get creative, so you bake some of your grandmother’s chocolate cupcakes and sell them for $1 each.  The cupcakes are such a hit, you take the money and buy more ingredients for more cupcakes.  The more you sell, the more the word spreads about your amazing cupcakes.  Before long, you have enough business...